Agonies of a Young Author

If you haven't yet gleaned to what it is by all my previous ramblings (I forbear to backlink; it would take the rest of forever; just click the tag at the bottom for others) HERE IT IS AGAIN:

I AM MADLY OBSESSED WITH SEEMING "PROFESSIONAL."

Maybe it's my age, my relative inexperience, my own insecurities about being perceived as a "grown-up" or a need to be seen as a "working writer" when the label "student" is more accurate-- whatever my hangups, they translate into an unhealthy paranoia.

I think about my query letter more than the pieces I submit. (I know, this is backwards. But true.)

So it's FANTASTIC that I just got complimented on the DIRECT QUOTE "wonderful" cover letter I sent in. The editor was impressed that I tailored to the publication and read the archives both, so I guarantee that cover letter is the reason I got accepted to this publication. (YAY!!! Another new market wants to publish me!)

So I Present!
Shelly Holder's Formula to "Wonderful" Cover Letters

1) find out editor's name
2) check gender of editor- twice (website, personal website, social media sites)
3) read archives- ALL of them
4) read editor interview at Duotrope's Digest
5) re-read interview at Duotrope's Digest
6) re-read it a 3rd time
7) read website submission guidelines
8) re-read guidelines
9) read a 3rd time
10) compare with Duotrope's submission quidelines
11) start FIRST DRAFT of cover
12) personalize to market
13) mention author from archives that you identify with (legitimately! don't make this a gimmick)
14) add why you submitted to this market
15) re-read submission guidelines
16) read some of the editor's work if available
17) re-read DD's editor interview
18) re-write cover letter
19) make it polite & professional
20) send and die of brain hemorage

And then hope and pray and burn little offering of crumpled balls of bad drafts until you hear back, and try not to slowly turn into a mewling ball of despair.

I just sent out another submission last night, so I'll let you know how that last sentences goes.

But I currently have not showered, am gorging on junk food, and have a blanket over my head while watching Iron Chef America in the dark without my glasses. And there's ice cream in the freezer calling my name. YES ITS TEN A.M. DON'T JUDGE ME.

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: the wonderful narration of Alton Brown on carrot frosting
What I want most: DO YOU REALLY WANT ME TO ANSWER THIS QUESTIOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN?

AMMMMMMMMM I about to do this? I think, I think... I think I am about to commit the ultimate writer's sin. Actually, I think I'm about to commit the TWO cardinal sins of writing. I am not going to listen to my editor, and I am not killing my darlings.

(*pause for horrified, stupefied look*)

Oh man, I can't believe I even said that. I can't believe that I'm at this point. But every time I look at the proposed changes on my poem, something wells up in me- "No. Just no. This isn't what I want to say. This isn't how I want to say it. This isn't me."

I've had great revision experiences, from several sources. I really have benefited from the input, and I have learned why the advice is given, as well as how it adds to my piece. And I have been recommended by a creative writing professor, at this point in my career especially, it's better to accept revisions and get published, then revert to the original format in a later chapbook.

Yet. Yet, yet, yetyetyet.

I am not Medea, and more importantly, I am not a minimalist. My style of writing is conversationalist. I tend towards the rhythm of spoken word poetry. There are a lot of "and"s and "the"s and "but"s in my writing-- many which can be removed, but also many that I think function as part of the poem. When I read it aloud, my version has a melody, whereas the proposed version is choppy, rough, fragmented with loss and awkward jumps.

I know that I'm likely still reacting with emotion. Time and distance would give me a clearer head to think through the changes. But even as I have accepted (and subsequently edited in) some points, there are others that I think I must stick by my guns for. I don't want to be the prissy, recalcitrant Speshul Snowflake Poet, but what about my artistic integrity?

I just really hope I'm not shooting myself in the foot.

To cheer myself up, and remind myself of the important tenents of writing...
Devin Galaudet's The Creative Writer’s Bill of Rights (or The Creative Bill of Writes)

1. The artist can turn off all filters and say anything about any subject, at any time, for any reason.
2. No subject matter, no how uncomfortable or offensive to self or others, is off limits
3. No single word: expletive or other no-no should be avoided due to political correctness or fear. If the word is appropriate in the context of the writing, it should stay. *
4. Any random thought should be written down by the writer, especially when the writer’s internal voice says, you can’t say that!
5. No matter how perfect a writing is, it could be edited down further or expanded upon.
6. Sometimes a writer will have to kill his or her babies. This means some great ideas/lines/articles will have to be removed, taken out, destroyed, sacrificed or edited in order to make the writing better. It can be a painful process.
7. Making changes that others have suggested, after careful scrutiny, gives the writer more authority as a writer.
8. Ignoring changes that others have suggested, after careful scrutiny, gives the writer more authority as a writer.
9. Getting a big authentic reaction is good – whether the reader liked the writing or not. Big reactions like “You suck,” is not a good reason to rewrite.
10. Taking a risk is a good thing.
11. Making a difference takes risk.
* Writing for shock value: using words and topics to offend for the sake of being offensive, is not creative. It is divisive and outside the scope of this sacred document — where is good parchment when you need it?
Write Now:
What I'm listening to: "Look No Further" by Dido
What I want most: Second opinions- revise, or withdraw? Comment!

I have reached that enviable yet unwanted position of being maxxed out-- in more ways than one.

I have sent out ALL of my completed poetry. EVERYTHING is in submission. It's all gone, waiting, in the ethos for some editor to pronounce judgment on it's poor, terrified, paperless soul.

In addition, I only have one story left in reserve and one in the shop for repairs, so I have really have nothing else to send out in the meantime. Which means...

I HAVE TO CREATE.

Like I said, it's enviable but unwanted, because now if I want to advance my career, I have to beat the Muse into a docile manner, turn her into a factory worker, and just churn out the submissions.

We both know how the Muse likes that one. She's okay with dress-up, but long term gigs are not her thing. So she's in revolt, and I have to play unwilling taskmaster. So we're both knuckling down.

Anyways, I'm off to find writing prompts and specific contests. Even if I have no inspiration at the moment, doesn't mean I can't write.

Cheerio!

Right Now:
What I'm listening to: quiet. I like the quiet sometimes too.
What I want most: coffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Exponential submissions means exponential rejections. Heard back from a couple, including my magazine internship. In response, I'm diving my head into more creation and submissions. If I don't resurface on Monday, it's because my Outbox tumbled over and crushed me with its weight...

Until then!

Right now:
What I'm listening to: "Crawl" by Chris Brown
What I want most: acceptance (v~_~)

I'm pretty much the poster girl for anal retentiveness when it comes to writing and tracking submissions. As you can see above, I have a fairly extensive Excel worksheet that should intimidate the hell out of me, but instead soothes me with all the clean, laid-out precision. Color-coding is one of my favorite pastimes, and inventing more categories (see that I have both a date created and a date finished column) is no chore either.

So, if you look closely, you can find evidence for my hard work this weekend. The poems highlighted in green are the ones I submitted to the Prague Summer School scholarship. Then I submitted six poems to a campus newspaper creative writing contest, and five more to an undergraduate journal. Some to the journal don't quite fit the requirements, but the Paternal Voice told me a while back that I should always submit the maximum number, even if they don't fit, because you never knew. And he's right. So a total of 16 poems, out into the void. Crazy, and I probably just depleted half of my poetry reserves, but I'd rather get them published than hoard them, so out they went.

This year feels good. I'm doing stuff, and I'm working multiple avenues, all in pursuit of a career. Nothing directly has to do with school, this is all my own will power. It somewhat amazes me, and secretly fills me with great pride. I can achieve things without someone looking over my shoulder yelling at me, and I never really felt that I could. Even after college, it was more deadlines than preparedness that made me work. But knowing that these submissions were all sent out without prompting really makes my self-confidence grow. Even if I get rejected, I won't feel bad, because I submitted them in the first place. Mlle Diabolique keeps telling me that I'm working at achieving my dreams, and I can finally accept that I am.

I am working like a professional.

Right now:
What I'm listening to: "White Flag" by Dido
What I want most: coffee ice cream

Well, I just heard yesterday that my campus literary magazine Winged Nation is going to publish two of my poems in the Spring 2010 edition! "My Lovely" and "Mirror-Me, or Shadowlight" are both going to appear, so if you are a student, grab a copy, and if you are not and want one, send me a line.

This is some great news, bolstering my hopes for the rest of the year. Let make it a resolution to keep them coming, shall we?

Right Now:
Where am I: the childrens hospital in Tutova
What Im listening to: cooing, crying, and all other forms of baby cacophany
What I want most: consistant internet access

So I have an application deadline coming up soon for a writing position here on campus. And I would like people to look over my application essay. The requirements are 300-500 words, on this topic:
Explain why you would like to be a writing and oral communication consultant. Indicate any related experience you’ve had and/or qualifications for the position, including relevant class work. Also include any other information you think we should know as we consider your application.

And so, PLEASE tell me what you think. I have been applying to this job for my third time in a row now, and I really really want to actually get it.

*****
I love words. Really, really love words.

I love playing with words, rearranging word order or debating between minute word differences. Words are everything to me- more than a drug, more than a god, more than anything. And for many years, I've been on one side of the pen, but I believe that to become a better writer I need to understand how to effectively edit as well.
I believe that I do have a natural sort of talent at identifying problem areas, but I would like to be officially trained, and more desirable still, I would like to learn solutions. Instinct is fine, but I would like to have the confidence and experience of formal education behind me.
I would also like to work with academic and expository writing. With my background in fiction and poetry, it's easy to forget that critical papers require just as much creativity. I do realize this, and would like to get involved in this other side of the creative process. Writing is not, as I sometimes think, limited to the profession of publishing, but is a product of the entire world around us-- from the casual to the intensely formal. It is impossible, and harmful, to ignore something that is as vital as academic or analytical writing.
I would love to be a part of that creative process for a student here on campus. The ability to collaborate artistically is one of the most beneficial and enjoyable pursuits available, and I have determined to spend my life in that sort of environment. Sometimes, however, the campus atmosphere is detrimental to that sort of mindset-- encouraging individual excellence to a point of self-sufficiency that is exclusionist in scope. I believe that collaborative projects can be broader in vision and more successful in implementation than projects undertaken by a single individual. Truly extraordinary papers are created by the same sort of cohesive effort.
I have seen the benefits of collaborative work in the creative writing peer review group critINK that I founded and directed this past semester. The atmosphere of the meetings are wonderful, and all works have truly improved, not only for the writer, but also for the reviewer. Sometimes the only way to learn is to put aside your own work and help someone else. I know that personally I have benefited more from my role as the director of this group that I ever expected, or could ever expect as a member, because in my quest to help others, I have incidentally helped myself. I am more knowledgeable because of others, and I am more well-versed because of others.
In short, I have applied before to this position, and I have been rejected before. But I do not consider this a failure. Each time I am forced into a new position that helps me grow as a writer. And each application is another step towards a goal that I have determined is my destiny.

Today I submitted my final portfolio for my creative writing class!!! I'm so happy to have that off and out of my mind, even though I have two assignments more to finish up and send in by email tomorrow. I'm staggeringly proud of what I've accomplished in five weeks- showing myself what I really can accomplish if I put my mind to it. So here's the final list:

23 poems, of various types
A creative non-fiction piece, 4 pages
Fiction piece, 16 pages (to be finished tomorrow)
One act play, 5 pages
another creative non-fiction (to be finished tomorrow, estimated 4 pages)

I would figure out the word count, but I'm too tired to do so today.

I also forced myself to do the 1000 words challenge. I'm so glad that I did, because now I can look back and say "Wow, I'm actually a prolific and productive writer." Of course, it was hard going, those 1000 words- I basically had to suspend all thought and allow myself to just have fun writing -- so that magical bracelet idea that will sound ridiculous in the morning is totally credible, and who cares if the hero is flat and 2-D? I used the perfect words to describe him, so I've got that much. And, I get to post the big shiny shiny badge today!

And really that's all that matters.

Right now:
What I'm listening to: Coldplay (I'm going to their concert on Saturday!!!)
What I want most: A break from writing. Yes I said it. I also deserve it.