Dear Sir,
Sincerely,
me
Know the type to video spree hitting the internet? Here's a gem about the publishing business. A tad long, but hilarious.
From the article The Biggest Mistakes Writers Make When Querying Literary Agents by JM Tohline
I giggled hardcore.
Write now:
What I'm listening to: The video and snorting uncontrollably
What I want most: more books!
Also, because that reporter never knew the kind of material she was missing out on. Heh.
Q: Current reading obsession?
>kill author. I love their philosophy.
Q: Bedside table looks like?
Here by Wislawa Szymborska, A Peculiar Feeling of Restlessness: Four Chapbooks of Short Short Fiction by Four Women by Amy L. Clark, elizabeth Ellen, Kathy Fish and Claudia Smith, a book of sudoku puzzles, a book of Fill-in-a-Word puzzles, this cd of Indian music I got in one of those boxed dinners from the international aisle, pencils, two notebooks, water, tissues, lamp, internet card
Q: Bookcase looks like?
Stuffed to the gills. And spilling over. With more coming out of the woodwork.
Q: TBR pile?
Similar. But includes the collected letters of Mary Wollstonecraft, Frida Kahlo's diary & biography Frida by Frida, Mark Twain's biography, Black Warrior Review, Blue Mesa Review, GRANTA, AGNI, Poetry, Alaska Quarterly Review, 88, Calyx, Partisan Review, New Directions and more. Much more. I didn't even mention the mind candy yet. The new Kris Longknife release. The new Jill Kismet release. Yay, fluffy.
Q: Current book lust?
I want to start reading Victorian Gothic. So The Mysteries of Udolpho, or The Romance of the Forest.
Q: Best place to read?
Anywhere I can concentrate.
Q: Best place to write?
Ditto. But I work best when alone. Shut away and holed up somewhere.
Q: Print or e-book?
Both. Whatever gets me to the words. But ultimately I do like print better. I'd love to have the money to have both versions of my favorites.
Q: Library, bookstore, secondhand shop?
Whatever gets me the book. But I like owning- I don't like giving back a book. It hurts a little inside. Lol. It's mine! MINE, I say!
Q: Computer or pen and paper?
Pen and paper. Actually, pencil and paper, but whatever is at hand. I have my fair share of yellow highlighter notes, and believe me, that's a pain in the behind to transcribe.
Q: Writing goal?
Uh, write everyday. Create a body of work that I can then mold into a chapbook, or have as a backlog to submit to different publications deadlines without creating something new every time. (NOT that that's a bad thing, just mentally exhausting and not always time effective.)
Q: Writing to-do list?
I don't wanna talk about it. No, really. I dunwanna.
Q: Can't live without?
My childhood stuffed cat Dinah (named after the cat in Alice in Wonderland.)
Q: Hot or cold?
Frigid, with multiple blankets. And maybe a scarf. But no socks. And for the love of everything, NO SNUGGIES!
Q: Tea, coffee, or booze?
All three? ;-)
Q: Flip flops, sandals, flats, high heels, or boots?
Boots of any kind. Followed by flats. I hate flip flops.
Q: East Coast, or West Coast?
East. (I apologize, MidWest, I didn't even give you a chance.)
Q: Current obsession?
Hershey's Take Five candy bars! They're superyummy.
Q: Something surprising?
I suck at Scrabble. I cannot recall winning a single game. Ever. As a writer, I am deeply ashamed. Q: Currently listening to?
Pandora "Down" Radio... and is this Cascada? Why, yes, yes it is. Lol. Q: Thing you want most right now?
Dinner. Let's go cook something yummy stomach.
There are no words for the love. No words.
Right Now:
What I'm listening to: football game
What I want most: I'm completely happy! =)
In any case, finals are like extended weekends, but without the pressure of trying-to-cram-in-as-much-fun-as-possible-in-two-piddly-days, but with the pressure of trying-to-cram-for-too-many-exams-and-I-really-should-be-studying-for-and-hey!-is-that- a-new-xkcd-comic?
Finals has the delightful prospect of being lawless yet with extreme deadlines.
So things like Wordle word clouds happen when avoiding a paper. Or magnetic poetry, same night, avoiding same paper.
For example, my lovely example of magnetic genius:
or that of TheatreProphet's (fellow co-conspirator in quiet hours wasting)
(and she even went one step further and alphabetized all the words, while I fought with Wordle. She also figured out how to get Wordle into a .jpg-- since I am sometimes blindingly helpless at technology-- so a big thanks to her!)
Yes, this is what we do at 11 pm at night in the library when no one else is around. *grins* In case you were wondering.
So now I am convinced that the only thing to do is create magnetic word poetry every night of finals! *bwahahahahahahaha*
I might even have to buy a set for my new apartment, and do a poem a day magnetic poetry! hahahaha
But we'll see, we'll see. I still have several finals to survive first.
Write Now:
What I'm listening to: Nothing. Roomie the Long Suffering One is studying. Shhhhhhh!
What I want most: no more finals?
I have nothing funny to say. Got you! Happy April Fool's.
Therefore, link soup.
Humor:
1) Yo Brando!
2) Mind over Mullis
Writing:
1) SheWrites
2) Duotrope
3) Everyday Poets
4) Wislawa Szymborska (especially this essay)
Random:
1) A Softer World
2) Modcloth
3) Apple, Meet Steampunk
Sheep (Baaaaaaaaaa!)
1) I now have a formspring
Absolute Death:
1) Still 51 whole days until Ilona Andrew's new book comes out! (*death, death death*)
Right Now:
What I'm listening to: "Break Your Heart"
"DIE, MIDTERMS, DIE!"
*chops off head of Middle East Cultures*
*immediately spins, backhands East Asia*
*swings at American Lit, follows through with blow from the hilt, and reverse lunging stab through the stomach*
*pants uncontrollably, wipes at sweat*
...
*spots stray East Asia paper* *eyes widen*
"ARGH! DIE, MIDTERMS, DIE!!!"
Dear Blog,
This is a very hard letter for me to write. Please don't be angry-- I really do care for you, really deeply. You touch my heart in ways that no other blog can do. You were great for me... but I feel like we might need some space apart. I just need some time to dedicate to myself, really figure things out you know? I got so busy this semester that I'm not dedicating the time to you like I should, and maybe I should think about getting my priorities straight. I know I'm not treating you right, like the way you deserve, and maybe this is a sign that we would be better off on our own. I don't want to break up with you, honestly, but this just isn't working. I wish I didn't have to hurt you, but one day you will thank me.
lots of love,
xoxo,
yours forever,
Shelly
Bur-ba-bur-berrrrrrrr! Bur-ba-bur-ba-berrrrrrrr!
It's the bugle sounding, and a desperate knight dashes in on a heaving horse, bespeckled with foam. He pushes back the visor to reveal reveal blue eyes framed by mascara. It's not a knight, it's Lady Shelly!!! This virtuous lady unrolls her scroll and reads aloud:
"Citizens of Camelot, I need your help. Please read this application essay for a humorous newspaper column, and give me your comments by Saturday at noon, or the dread dragon Rejection will swoop down and breathe fire on my application! Surely the generosity of your noble spirit embarking on this venture will led you to many blessings and much honor. The court awaits your opinions! Do not dally, but set forth straight away!"
And as she wheels about and rides on into the distance, you can hear her encouraging cry, "Onwards, friends, onwards!"
You can find the essay here on my website or located at the end of this post.
Right Now:
What I'm listening to: The Lady of Shalott running through my head
What I want most: your comments please!!!!!!
** Explanatory Note: I am currently reading "The Magic Ring" by Baron . It's a medieval tale of knights and the courtly behavior.
First Impressions
To prove how truly I belong to W&M, I'll tell you how the start of school affects my (usually hidden) inner geek.
That first day of class is always important, right? Got to impress the professors, find the perfect seat (whether camouflaged in the back corner or right in front), surreptitiously check out the single hottie in the entire room (who, of course, is eyeing someone else or faithfully texting their significant other), and generally trying to impress the people around you with your impeccable (fill in the blank: organization, preparedness, fashion, slouchy cool or edgy bad-ass-ery). It's there, don't try and deny it. Simple human nature- the desire to get noticed, and in a good way. Especially around the start of term.
Me? I'm dying to get that reaction. I'm hopin' and prayin' and fishin' for a compliment. Slanting my eyes, gently twisting in my seat, tossing my hair behind my shoulder. All of the delightful little schemes, "all the arts which ladies sometimes condescend to employ for captivation" in Miss Austen's words, we women employ.
But not for any of those options previously mentioned. Not those. Not even for my horrendously expensive new haircut, although compliments are always welcome (please email me later). No, I'm dying for someone to notice my pen.
I somehow have the belief that a pen secretly embodies all the mystery of personality, distilled into 14 cm of pressed plastic and ink. The right pen can describe everything about a person, and more importantly, the right pen can direct the trend of the coming days. Choosing the right pen might be able to influence my self-confidence, my grades, and my whole perspective on life. Last semester I went with the aloof professionalism found in a white ballpoint with gold accents that switched between black, red, or pencil. The semester before an entirely functional rollerball from a multipack I found on sale. Earlier, it was a pink besparkled thing with glitter and feathers protruding from the top. And at the very beginning there was the designer architect's mechanical pencil, all in black and ergonomically molded.
This semester, I'm going for whimsical creativity with a disposable fountain pen ... in purple. Perhaps someone will notice the unusual tip, and realize my love for all things Victorian. Perhaps they might even divine that I have a growing love for steampunk. Perhaps someone else will notice the ink stains on my fingertips, just like Fanny always has in Mansfield Park. And someone else will admire my sense of style for choosing purple... but someone else will see it for rebellion against normative black and blue. And someone else will see the whole thing as pure, unadulterated folly, because who really knows a person by their pen choice... and that's where the whimsy takes hold.
Maybe it's only the superstition of a writer come to bear on the rest of her life. Maybe it's only the extreme love of school supplies and the need to justify just one more purchase to a dwindling bank account. Maybe it's the subconscious memories of growing up on Jane Austen and BBC movies. And maybe it's the influence of two parents, both teachers, who had red pens all over the house and really got into the spirit of back-to-school shopping. Or maybe it's the influence of some really bizarre alien race sponsoring a couple of Fulbrights on a research mission studying the intersection of personality and performance in education as influenced by the choice of performance tools. But in the end, it's not the motivation that matters.
It's all about the gratification of being noticed with the coolest pen in town.
You may call me Inky.
Shelly Holder is the newest Confusion Corner columnist. She IS fairly normal even if she is obsessed with pens. Don't be afraid to visit her website at www.shellyholder.com.
What to know something ridiculous that I have pining to do for about two months?
I want to write my own Wikipedia page.
As in, create my own Wikipedia page as a profile for me, Shelly Holder, the author... before I can claim that I am any such thing.
It's a sort of a vote of confidence in myself, the same way creating my own website before I had published or writing my back cover author blurbs were boosts to the ego. That I was taking myself seriously, and that I would allow myself not only to dream but to looked forward to a future I fully planned on having. It was powerful stuff, although I didn't recognize either that way originally. It's only lately that I've appreciated both steps for what they have come to mean.
Some day soon, I'm just going to give into the narcissism and go and create the darn thing. Just because it REALLY amuses me.
But until then, it's fun to plan out what I'm going to say...
Right Now:
What I'm listening to: Duffy "Stepping Stone"
What I want most: sleeeeeeeeeeeep!
My pens are running out.
It's ridiculous really- most of these are very old (for pens, and ones belonging to a writer), and well past due for that running out point, but I feel that I am losing a few old and beloved friends. Especially during finals time, when the presence of a familiar object is comforting, I feel that trying to adjust to other pens is an effort, more than the excitement of new relationships that back-to-school shopping brings. At this point, there's no desire to branch out, no desire to experiment or have a fling, just for the heck of it. It's the continuity, the commitment that you look for to get you through these tough two weeks, and your most loyal friends are those favored pens.
But mine are dying out.
So goodbye, my beloved bright orange highlighter with the little flaggies. I will never forget our late nights with cultural anthropology.
And goodbye, loyal Z4+ roller-ball. I can truly say you made Life Writing bearable for me.
Farwell, sassy purple fountain pen. I did not know you long, but I can say that you had a lasting impression on my work.
And Mr. Yellow Brite highlighter-- you truly were my most efficient right hand man for all the various thing that I accomplish. I could not have checked them off my To-Do list without you.
You all will be very much missed!!!
(lolz)
Right now:
What I'm listening to: Pandora Radio- Christmas songs!
What I want most: Finals to be over, and replacement pens!
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