Thursday, August 12

Ba-Ba-Ba-Blase

Posted by Shelly Holder

I had an Epiphany of the Week, but I've been sidling up to this idea for months now, so in all reality it's not that shocking.

I hate my published work.

Which is a horrible, terrible, awful thing to say on my professional blog about my work, to publicize my work to potential readers and publishers. Really, it's asinine to say such a thing.

Still the truth though.

I'm not sure if the emotion is based on the hours and hours of creation, and the hours and hours of revision that went into the completion of each piece. It might be just a case of "familiarity breeds contempt." I've no doubt it's an element.

But I also know that the pieces I'm most proud of are still sitting on my desktop after multiple rejections. Then I remember that not many days ago I wrote how my poem "A Writer's Apology" was the published piece I'm most proud of. Then I notice the subconscious qualifier of published. And finally I get fed up with myself for not being happy with myself along with the simultaneous acknowledgment of ambition and the desire to be the best at my passion. None of these thoughts should be cringe-worthy, but the tangle in my head would like to contradict.

I have flashes of content- a title, a new technique, an example of word choice.  I would never say I'm ashamed of my pieces. I've worked too hard for that. I'm glad of what I've achieved, and I wouldn't change anything. Still, I have a nagging sense of ... disappointment? discouragement? distrust? And the feeling persists until I push it all away with disgust.

I have the suspicion that I'm better at fiction, and only write poetry because I know the ending is only within a few more lines.

Right Now:
What I'm listening to: Sara Jackson Holman "Cellophane"
What I want most: faster internet... all these downloads are killing my reaction time

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Fantastic web site, I had not noticed www.shellyholder.blogspot.com before during my searches!
Keep up the wonderful work!

purplume said...

Powerful post. I appreciate hearing your honest comments.

For me, I have decided not to pursue publication any more. I'm not willing to keep on giving up so much time to it when my goal is to present each of my grandchildren with a book especially for them.
Most of my writing goes into blogging now and I am content.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing this link, but unfortunately it seems to be down... Does anybody have a mirror or another source? Please reply to my post if you do!

I would appreciate if a staff member here at www.shellyholder.blogspot.com could post it.

Thanks,
Oliver

writinflower01 said...

Purplume: A tough decision, and I respect the choice that you have made. Being content is the most important factor, and a homemade chapbook is just as valuable as the fanciest published one. Especially for your family.

Oliver: What links are you looking for?- I am not sure that I included any in the original post, and so I am a bit confused.