Agonies of a Young Author

A Natural Order of Things

2011-11-01T19:15:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone! I know I haven't been updating much, but I am still alive and kicking. And actually working on stuff, despite the lack of blog dedication (or is that in spite? I never know.)

So I thought to name my projects, for my benefit and yours. Alright, more just to keep them straight in my own head, but you know. Credit me with a little bit more than self-serving posts.

First, the belovedly bemoaned D.o.C.A. This is a new genre for me, and the main focus of the last few months (since June). I have taken two writing classes (second in progress now) and have tried to work very hard on this project. It goes slow, but I am enjoying the genre and the experience. I also admit the major motivation for posting is also procrastination and avoidance of tonight's homework deadline, but let's ignore that part shall we?

And then That Damn Book, the torment over the past few YEARS that refuses to work out and refuses to die. This YA paranormal used to be my love, but I have under a thousand words and over a million headaches in relation to a few key plot problems, so I've trunked it for now.

And then The Sparkly Itch, the idea I had this morning that I might actually pursue. But more on that later.

But higher in priority is the Set Aside Spy Story (M.O.), which has a lot more planning and prep going for it. Also a new genre work, but one with potential, especially in comparison to my D.o.C.A. overexposure and slowly dying enthusiasm.

And the Really Near and Dear to My Heart project, the one I haven't even mentioned because I like to hold it close and hide it. So no more words on that.

Next, another new genre work, the Inner Scientist Idea, one with less planning but a ton of visuals. I want to pursue this one almost as bad as the Set-Aside Spy Story. It'll be a tough call, and I might sign up for a third class to help me develop it.

So now, when I say I'm starting the SD/YA novel project for NaNoWriMo as a creative break from D.o.C.A, ya'll know what I'm talkin bout right? Riiiiiiight?

What I mean by creative break is that I have focused so intently on D.o.C.A. that I have lost the sense of fun in writing it. I want it to be good, damn it, to be published, and I am constantly talking about it to others, getting feedback, revising, and then starting all over again. And it's a job. Hard, hard work, where I have to force myself to sit down, and with an over-reliance on deadlines to write at all. And that's not how it should be.

So I am starting SD/YA for a bit of creative relief- a fun project, with no objectives, no deadlines, no revision, and most of all, no expectations. I write it in a month? Fantastic. I don't- well I have the 5,000 or 3,000 or whatever I've managed to accomplish and that's enough. It's just FOR FUN.

So this list of projects is more to remind myself that my career is not make or break on D.o.C.A. I have a lot more options than one storyline, and that means a lot of opportunities to reach different people. I am not a one book wonder, and even if this particular project never makes it past the course final in a few weeks, that is not the end.

I define the story. Not the other way around.

Something to remember.

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: a rarely heard Southern Californian rainfall
What I want most: aspirin

Curious Phenomenon

2011-10-26T20:36:00.000-07:00

All writers want publication right?

We dream about it, cry about not getting it, work our butts off in achieving it, all for the opportunity to see our words on someone else's page. Our name in a byline. Just one re-Tweet on Twitter.

And it never gets old, does it?

Wrong.

I recently read a blog post (sorry can't find link anymore) which said that every publication is as thrilling as that first one. The cheek flush, the beating heart, the in-the-seat wiggles and surreptitious in-public squealing. But today I got an email that should've given me an endorphin rush like no other, and I. felt. nothing.

Nada. Not a single zip. My eyebrow arched and my mouth twisted, but I don't think it was in the right sort of way.

The email itself was lovely, perky and congratulatory, and it made me happy for about one nano-second in its innocence. I, on the other hand, felt old and jaded and a little like a long-time whore who just sold herself to the john that never says no. My reaction was "Of course you published me."

But I didn't feel like I deserved that cheerful email, and I knew from the greeting that I wouldn't find my substitute high. I was immune.

So what's the solution? More publication is just going to be a higher dose- chasing after that first experience without hope of repeating it. So do I go to a higher quality of goods- looking for the "perfect" publication, the elite lit mag or the exclusive publishing house? I just don't know. I never thought I would reach this place, where my dream fails to satisfy me.

It's kinda sad and lonely here. I want to leave.

I want to be happy writing. And maybe that means no more publishing for a while.

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: Pandora "Zero 7"
What I want most: a massage

Ghengis Khan, Editor in Chief

2011-10-22T23:07:00.000-07:00

Before I delve into the really meaty angst of my story, I need to set up a little bit of backstory.

I started out writing novels. Then a brief flirtation with short stories, followed by a solid relationship with poetry that lasted several years. Not unhappy but feeling a distinct lack of spark, I broke it off with poetry to start up with flash fiction. Here, I feel that I finally found a supportive and mutually beneficial interaction- if I believed in the word, I would use "soulmates." This, this was the one that completed me.

But now, I'm taking a class in sequential art - comics, graphic novels, and manga- and I am writing CHAPTERS! A series of 3,000 to 4,000 words STRUNG TOGETHER to create a coherent whole, and then strung together AGAIN to create a coherent PLOT ARC!

DO YOU HAVE ANY CONCEPT HOW MUCH INTERNAL LOGIC IS NECESSARY FOR THAT KIND OF WRITING???

DO YOU?

It's actually really, really hard. I no longer "think long." In fact, my most frequent critique is "add detail." *Laughs* I never thought I would hear that one.

I feel like a little primordial switch in the back of my head is permanently snapped- I can't get back to flash, but I'm not functioning in long form either. I'm stuck in some hell-hole in between where the ante-up is constant revisions, just to keep playing.

Sometimes, I don't wanna play anymore.

Guh.

Anyways, that's where I've been lately. I haven't died, my will-power just loses steam long, LONG before the blog comes up on the to-do list. Actually, I admit, I haven't even WRITTEN it on the to-do for quite a while.

I would make promises to do better, but I don't believe myself. :p

Right Now:
What I'm listening to: Abney Park "Building Steam"
What I want most: to read the rest of Tahereh Mafi's Shatter Me, but the preview is over and the book isn't publish yet *cries*

Update!

2011-10-13T23:08:00.000-07:00

Quick updates!

I've had two twitter stories published, one with trapeze magazine, today; and another with Cuento Magazine, on the 29th of September. I hope you enjoy!

A Brief Letter

2011-10-06T16:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Specific Writing Genre,

I don't sure what you were expecting, but I think you've made a mistake. I'm not looking to settle down here. I'm not really into a "committed" relationship, and I thought I made that pretty clear at the beginning. I'm sorry you got your feelings hurt, but I never promised you anything. Exclusivity just isn't my thing. What can I say, I just like to flirt.

It was great while it lasted but I think its time to move on.

What I Do With Time

2011-06-21T03:11:00.000-07:00

No, no time-travel. And no, I don't improve either. But I do with time what all people do with time--

I Twitter.

No seriously, you should think about it.

I'm a verbose prose-r. I know this. We all know this. So the fact that I am consistently limited to 140 characters means, five or six times an hours, I EDIT THE HELL OUTTA MYSELF.

A unique experience, that. But, edifying. In a completely, utterly "holy blankity-blank blank blank I hate this"sort of way.

Yes. Edifying.

So I think you should join me. We can lurk around the edges of lit mags, and send late night messages to authors great than ourselves. We can whine about our day, and since no follows us anyways, no one knows what you say. Which means, that user over there, the one in the ratty beret with tacky dangling modifiers? WE CAN TOTALLY TALK ABOUT HIM AND HE'LL NEVER EVEN KNOW.

The dark side, we haz it. And, you know, cookies. Maybe you should think about it.

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: Nufin. It's past my bedtime.
What I want most: sleep, then Jamba Juice. I dream of breakfast.

Whee!

2011-06-17T22:56:00.000-07:00

HIIIIIIIIIIIIII!

I know I haven't 'zactly been like the bestest most faithful blogger like ever, but I swear I'm getting around to it. Someday. Maybe. *shifty eyes* You know, when I have time. Or something.

ANYWAYSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

I thought in lieu of my stellar intellectually mind blowing posts of satirical and satorical wonder, I would give you this!

LINKY!!

For my new story out! WHEEEEEEEEEE!

IMPORTANT EDIT:

Sometimes I'm a dingbat. This story was NOT published. It was put up on Dr. Hurley's Snake-Oil Cure literary mag's along with other contestants. This was NOT the winning entry. Sorry guys. All fault lies with me. But enjoy anyways. =)

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: "Rumor Has It" by ADELE
What I want most: a manicure. and a massage.

Story!

2011-04-13T11:04:00.000-07:00

I have a new piece of micro-fiction out called "Preemptive Mourning" with Camroc Press Review!

Check it out here.

Query Letter

2011-04-12T21:13:00.000-07:00

~~Dear~~

~~John Smith~~

~~Mr. Editor Sir~~

Dear Sir,

~~I would be happy if~~ ~~I would be pleased if you~~ It would give me great pleasure ~~DEAR GOD JUST PUBLISH ME~~ I am grateful for this opportunity ~~miserable nerve-wracking gut-wretching week of nausea~~ I look forward to working with you ~~you better publish me or I will spam your inbox I will be your bestest friend forever if you can just get me on Oprah~~ ~~actually my mother's cousin twice removed, his daughter's best friend's boyfriend knows you so we're like related and you should publish me I will invite you to Thanksgiving~~ I have been published previously ~~don't look this up I wrote it for a handwritten middle school publication I founded myself~~ Again thank you for this ~~chance~~ opportunity ~~PUBLISH ME OR I WILL THROW MYSELF OFF A CLIFF AND IT WILL BE ALL YOUR FAULT AND I WILL HAUNT YOU LIKE THE GHOST OF AUTHORS PAST~~

~~Affectionly~~,

~~Sincere Regards,~~

Sincerely,

I Can't Think, I'm Travelling!

2011-01-28T16:33:00.000-08:00

(off key) On the rooooad again! Something something music and my friends, so I can't wait to get on the road again! (don't be jealous of my fabulous voice. It's okay, I know you want it.)
I"M AT THE SDSU WRITERS CONFERENCE IN SAN DIEGO!!! WHOOOO!

There are a lot of interesing YA panels, which makes me happy. And I'm looking forward to the two keynote speakers, James Scott Bell and Robert Walter. I am NOT looking forward to the keynote speech times. Why 8:30 am? JUST WHY?!? *faceplant*

But I shall suffer gracefully. Because there is free hotel breakfast. Also, martyrs go down in history. Gotta make a name for myself. Or, say, live up to the title of this blog. You know. Either or.

So I will be back with my adventures (or misadventures) on Monday. Let's hope the coffee stays in my cup and the ink on the paper. I brought nice clothes for this weekend, and I wanna keep them that way.

On the other hand, I am literally across the road from a mall. I can see Macy's from my balconey. There may be something to be said in favor of certain kinds of carnage. =)

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: freeway noises. Never let it be said that CA was a public transit state.
What I want most: mmmm, there's also a Barnes and Nobles across the parking lot... heh. heh.

Fabulous Five Meme

2011-01-26T17:28:00.000-08:00

haz no ideas for Mr. Bloggie. Instead I stole this from Reading In Color. And I am unapologetic, because I can (and I linked back so there).

Five Books Read Recently:
- The Reluctant Widow by Georgette Heyer
- False Colors by Georgette Heyer
- Toil and Trouble by H.P. Mallory
- The Man Who Ate Everything by Jeffrey Steingarten
- To Kill a Warlock by H.P. Mallory

Five Books I'm Reading:
- Bone Dance: A Fantasy for Technophiles by Emma Bull
- The Castle of Otranto by Horace Walpole
- Hint Fiction Anthology edited by Robert Swartwood
- Edge by Thomas Blackthorne
- An Arsonist's Guide to Writers' Homes in New England by Brock Clarke

Five Favorite Books (not definitive)
- Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
- Villette by Charlotte Bronte
- The Bean Trees by Barbara Kingsolver
- The Witch of Blackbird Pond by Elizabeth George Speare
- Dragon Bones by Patricia Briggs

Five Least Favorite Books
-Sophie's Choice by Elizabeth Gaskell
- Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce
- Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad
- Passage to India by E.M. Forester

Five Notable Book-to-Film Adaptions
- Mansfield Park (hands down)
- A Little Princess
- Howl's Moving Castle
- The Princess Bride (HATED the book)
-Pride and Prejudice (all versions)

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: or rather, trying to ignore the news
What I want most: I think its dinner time? On nom nom FOOD!

It's Mah Birfday!

2011-01-10T00:13:00.000-08:00

And I taking today off. Because I can. =D

Hope you're having a good day like meeeeeeeee!

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: "It's My Birthday (And I Can Cry If I Want To)"
What I want most: fun! adventure! cake!

The Latest is Out!

2011-01-02T16:31:00.001-08:00

The latest in the series of my accepted micro-fictions has been released from Short, Fast, and Deadly! Read the story at:

If Baba Yaga Were a Will-O-The-Wisp

All comments welcome! Let me know what you think when I venture into the realm of prose!

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: n/a
What I want most: to conquer my to-do list

Happy New Year's!

2011-01-01T15:32:00.000-08:00

I wrote this article for a column that didn't pan out, but I love the piece so I'm posting it here! Because I can =D

Miss Holder's Foreign Language Translator

We all know that college has a peculiar... culture that sometimes go beyond the rest of the world's expectations. In fact, sometimes those traits go so far that we need a translator--or foreign language program-- to actually understand them.

In my research I found these listed as the top ten New Year's resolutions. Wouldn't it be interesting to look at them in student speak?

10) Reduce stress
Translated: I need to write my ten page papers earlier than the week- or night- before.

9) Help others
Translated: I need to go on an international volunteer trip over winter, volunteer locally over spring, tutor kids during the week and walk dogs on the weekends.

8) Take a trip
Translated: I want to study abroad next year. And next, next year. And possibly the year after. After I come back from that vacation in Italy.

7) Find a hobby
Translated: D & D no longer counts in this "adult" world. I need to think of something else to say at parties.

6) Find love
Translated: When the four G's --greek, geek, gay, or girlfriend-- applies to the dating scene on campus, maybe I should expand my search area. To the greater East Coast.

5) Give up a habit (drinking, smoking, etc)
Translated: I should invest in real orange juice, instead of the Wawa facsimile. And convince my apartment roommate that incense is NOT an acceptable alternative to showers.

4) Get out of debt
Translated: I really need to pay my parking tickets. All five of them. And my IT bill. Annnd that library fine.

3) Eat healthier
Translated: Maybe I should add a salad to my spaghetti and garlic bread with a side of fries and/or corn.

2) Get organized
Translated: I should maybe be able to find my textbooks in the pile under my bed. Or maybe they're in the closet... maybe...

1) Workout
Translated: I should get up from my desk at least three times a day. For more than just class. Or bathroom breaks.

So what did YOU resolve this year????

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: I have Christmas carols stuck in my head. #thatholidayisover
What I want most: to get these Christmas carols out of my head. #somebodymakeitstop

More Micro-fiction!!

2010-12-20T11:46:00.000-08:00

Surprise publication this morning! My short story "An Accidental Morning Bathroom Meeting" was posted to DOGZPLOT Flash Fiction Magazine, and can be read here.

As always, I'd love for comments and feedback! Thanks!

Jedi Mind Tricks

2010-12-16T23:45:00.000-08:00

I was thinking- shocking I know- that I should rewrite my chapter one like a Steeplechase challenge. Completely redo the whole thing without referring to the original.

But I LIKE my chapter one, which is kinda why I have no chapter two. Which implies the lack of chapter three which means no chapter 30 which means no book deal which means no royalties or book advance party or hot limo rides down any strip of any kind.

I dunno about this whole novel business. It's a bit different from what I usually do, so I'm unsure of when to stop and when to move on and when to toss the whole fudging thing in the trash for the nourishment of dust bunnies.

Who am I kidding about being a novelist? I should stick short forms I can actually complete.

I try and trick myself into challenges like this rewriting gig to convince myself otherwise, but the excitement is long gone and the spark fizzled on a short fuze. Hard work is no substitute for training.

Right Now:
What I'm listening to: ADELE
What I want most: aspirin

Short (Short) Story Out!

2010-12-15T20:36:00.000-08:00

Hello!

Just a quick update to say my micro-fiction piece "They Burned Our Ssekabakas, They Burned Our Kings" was published today in the magazine SHORT, FAST, AND DEADLY! You can read the magazine here.

I'm super excited!

Please read and comment! This is one of my first ventures into fiction, so would love the feedback! Thank you!

Writee Now:
What I'm listening to: the fireplace burning =)
What I want most: mmm, ice cream? or cheesecake?

Top 10 Habits of "Proper" Writers

2010-12-14T22:12:00.000-08:00

1) Adopt a quirk.
Like writing entirely in green crayon. Or drinking.

2) Get up only in the evenings.
No, you are not aping the vampire lifestyle, but have manfully (or is that womanfully?) stayed up all night in a burst of Divine Inspiration.

3) Also, adopt the haggard look.
You are lost in the world of wonderful glorious words. You forget to eat. To sleep. Shower. Even if you do all these things, fake like you don't for credibility.

4) Avoid people.
Be a bitter cynical misanthropic disillusioned philosopher. Don't interact with the unenlightened except in cyberspace. Or your own head.

5) Hold conversations with yourself.
You'll be lonely (See #4)

6) Post witty and/or sardonic updates to Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, the blog and other media sites. Often. And refresh constantly. Like every 20 minutes because you don't want that upstart of a YA author to think SHE is more humorous than TOI.

7) Don't read anything other than Wikipedia.
Wiki knows all. End.

8) Find a destressor.
All this writing business is hard. Telling all your friends about the book you're going to write. Writing about the book you are going to write. Reading about ways to write your book. Take a break.... or a drink (you know, whatever works).

9) Live in an attic/garrett/ 700 sq. ft. studio apartment
When they said "bats in the bellfry" they meant that LITERALLY.

10) Be serious.
All the time. Laughter is bad, and leads to serious injury,

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: the audio recording of Georgette Heyer's Venetia
What I want most: chocolate. in multiple forms. yummmmmm

Oh, I love this trend

2010-12-13T22:17:00.000-08:00

Know the type to video spree hitting the internet? Here's a gem about the publishing business. A tad long, but hilarious.

From the article The Biggest Mistakes Writers Make When Querying Literary Agents by JM Tohline

I giggled hardcore.

Write now:
What I'm listening to: The video and snorting uncontrollably
What I want most: more books!

Thoughts on My Obsession

2010-11-19T10:07:00.000-08:00

If you haven't yet gleaned to what it is by all my previous ramblings (I forbear to backlink; it would take the rest of forever; just click the tag at the bottom for others) HERE IT IS AGAIN:

I AM MADLY OBSESSED WITH SEEMING "PROFESSIONAL."

Maybe it's my age, my relative inexperience, my own insecurities about being perceived as a "grown-up" or a need to be seen as a "working writer" when the label "student" is more accurate-- whatever my hangups, they translate into an unhealthy paranoia.

I think about my query letter more than the pieces I submit. (I know, this is backwards. But true.)

So it's FANTASTIC that I just got complimented on the DIRECT QUOTE "wonderful" cover letter I sent in. The editor was impressed that I tailored to the publication and read the archives both, so I guarantee that cover letter is the reason I got accepted to this publication. (YAY!!! Another new market wants to publish me!)

So I Present!
Shelly Holder's Formula to "Wonderful" Cover Letters

1) find out editor's name
2) check gender of editor- twice (website, personal website, social media sites)
3) read archives- ALL of them
4) read editor interview at Duotrope's Digest
5) re-read interview at Duotrope's Digest
6) re-read it a 3rd time
7) read website submission guidelines
8) re-read guidelines
9) read a 3rd time
10) compare with Duotrope's submission quidelines
11) start FIRST DRAFT of cover
12) personalize to market
13) mention author from archives that you identify with (legitimately! don't make this a gimmick)
14) add why you submitted to this market
15) re-read submission guidelines
16) read some of the editor's work if available
17) re-read DD's editor interview
18) re-write cover letter
19) make it polite & professional
20) send and die of brain hemorage

And then hope and pray and burn little offering of crumpled balls of bad drafts until you hear back, and try not to slowly turn into a mewling ball of despair.

I just sent out another submission last night, so I'll let you know how that last sentences goes.

But I currently have not showered, am gorging on junk food, and have a blanket over my head while watching Iron Chef America in the dark without my glasses. And there's ice cream in the freezer calling my name. YES ITS TEN A.M. DON'T JUDGE ME.

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: the wonderful narration of Alton Brown on carrot frosting
What I want most: DO YOU REALLY WANT ME TO ANSWER THIS QUESTIOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN?

Interview With ... Myself!

2010-11-18T16:13:00.000-08:00

Because I can.

Also, because that reporter never knew the kind of material she was missing out on. Heh.

Q: Current reading obsession?
>kill author. I love their philosophy.

Q: Bedside table looks like?
Here by Wislawa Szymborska, A Peculiar Feeling of Restlessness: Four Chapbooks of Short Short Fiction by Four Women by Amy L. Clark, elizabeth Ellen, Kathy Fish and Claudia Smith, a book of sudoku puzzles, a book of Fill-in-a-Word puzzles, this cd of Indian music I got in one of those boxed dinners from the international aisle, pencils, two notebooks, water, tissues, lamp, internet card

Q: Bookcase looks like?
Stuffed to the gills. And spilling over. With more coming out of the woodwork.

Q: TBR pile?
Similar. But includes the collected letters of Mary Wollstonecraft, Frida Kahlo's diary & biography Frida by Frida, Mark Twain's biography, Black Warrior Review, Blue Mesa Review, GRANTA, AGNI, Poetry, Alaska Quarterly Review, 88, Calyx, Partisan Review, New Directions and more. Much more. I didn't even mention the mind candy yet. The new Kris Longknife release. The new Jill Kismet release. Yay, fluffy.

Q: Current book lust?
I want to start reading Victorian Gothic. So The Mysteries of Udolpho, or The Romance of the Forest.

Q: Best place to read?
Anywhere I can concentrate.

Q: Best place to write?
Ditto. But I work best when alone. Shut away and holed up somewhere.

Q: Print or e-book?
Both. Whatever gets me to the words. But ultimately I do like print better. I'd love to have the money to have both versions of my favorites.

Q: Library, bookstore, secondhand shop?
Whatever gets me the book. But I like owning- I don't like giving back a book. It hurts a little inside. Lol. It's mine! MINE, I say!

Q: Computer or pen and paper?
Pen and paper. Actually, pencil and paper, but whatever is at hand. I have my fair share of yellow highlighter notes, and believe me, that's a pain in the behind to transcribe.

Q: Writing goal?
Uh, write everyday. Create a body of work that I can then mold into a chapbook, or have as a backlog to submit to different publications deadlines without creating something new every time. (NOT that that's a bad thing, just mentally exhausting and not always time effective.)

Q: Writing to-do list?
I don't wanna talk about it. No, really. I dunwanna.

Q: Can't live without?
My childhood stuffed cat Dinah (named after the cat in Alice in Wonderland.)

Q: Hot or cold?
Frigid, with multiple blankets. And maybe a scarf. But no socks. And for the love of everything, NO SNUGGIES!

Q: Tea, coffee, or booze?
All three? ;-)

Q: Flip flops, sandals, flats, high heels, or boots?
Boots of any kind. Followed by flats. I hate flip flops.

Q: East Coast, or West Coast?
East. (I apologize, MidWest, I didn't even give you a chance.)

Q: Current obsession?
Hershey's Take Five candy bars! They're superyummy.

Q: Something surprising?

I suck at Scrabble. I cannot recall winning a single game. Ever. As a writer, I am deeply ashamed.

Q: Currently listening to?

Pandora "Down" Radio... and is this Cascada? Why, yes, yes it is. Lol.

Q: Thing you want most right now?

Dinner. Let's go cook something yummy stomach.

Oh Plz, Professional

2010-11-17T00:37:00.000-08:00

So what many of you don't know is that in the spring I was interviewed for a news article about my writing (and other, unimportant things, but we stick to writing here). It was never optioned/bought, so don't get excited.

Me? I'm not disappointed the article never ran. Or particularly surprised. Frankly, I'm even a little bit glad it didn't. Why?

The "reporter" who interviewed me was completely, scandalously unprofessional.

If I, the subject of your work, am not impressed, I doubt any editor is going to interested in your piece. Basic common sense, right?

At first, I was excited. Oh, shiny! I'm getting interviewed! But it soon devolved. The reporter had a huge lag time- weeks worth (and remember THEY contacted ME). Our first interaction is a brief email- no salutation, greeting, signature, punctuation, basic capitalization- but most horrendously....

This "professional" used "PLZ" and "THX!"

0_0

AS IF IT WAS TOTALLY ACCEPTABLE.

I'm sorry. Even if you're a 20-something, and I'm a 20-something, in a work capacity, SPELL OUT WORDS IN STANDARD ENGLISH.

Co-workers turned buddies?- check. Use all the abrevs you want.
Inner office email between said office buddies?- check. I doubt a client ever sees those.
Professional Twitter?- check. Necessary because of character count and oh so a la mode.
Texts?- check. See above "co-workers" (plus, Starbucks orders are just a hassle to type anyways)
A super hip writing blog- in balance, in context, with the right voice, and the right audience? Yeah, ABSOLUTELY!!

The first communication to establish a working relationship???

Oh, hells, no.

Actually, after that one email, I considered calling off the entire thing.

Two hours AFTER our scheduled appointment passed (a lunch meeting that just COULDN'T be interrupted) I was certain that a) this story would never sell, and b) I would never work with this reporter again.

The interview had good bones, but the story languishes.

Meanwhile, my obsessive butt is getting published! *evil twinkle* Anyone get a lesson outta that?

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: the new squeaky keyboard cover that got delivered today. It's almost typewriter-esque. I kinda like it.
What I want most: mmmm, some clothing from Urban Outfitters. And makeup from Sephora. Oh, and a pony.

All Sorts of Random

2010-11-02T00:01:00.000-07:00

So there are a whole bunch of stuffs to address, with no logic. So, bear with me just for a little bit. Or ignore this post. You know, whatever.

First! I am happy to say that I have been accepted for publishing in Camroc Press Review and Short, Fast, and Deadly! Both publications have impressed me with their submission process, and I have enjoyed interacting with their editors. Seriously, go check both of them out. And read! And submit!

Also, I'm am in love with > kill author. Their philosophy is just so unique and somehow "fresh" (which I should not be saying as if I were the cynical veteran of the small presses). Check out their interview with PANK magazine to see what I mean.

Double also, I now have a HEE-UUUUUUUUUUUUGE fangrrl author crush on T.H. Mafi. She's super funny, agented, and only 22! *suddenly eyes January birthday with disfavor* I would be super jealous if she wasn't completely down to earth about all the hard work she had to do. Also, practical about writing trials and tribulations, without letting them getting her down. Actually, pretty much she might be the author I wanna be.

So I have also finally invested the time to use Duotrope's Digest, and I cannot recommend it highly enough. The interviews with the editors are invaluable, and the stats on response times and rejections so helpful. I really think that I'm getting published in CPR and SFD because of them. Use it. Be an avid tracker. Help keep the stats accurate.

I have decided that I become more and more "out there," I need to step out of an amateur role. So I have taken down my book blog- it's no longer public. I don't need to be commenting on other author's books as another author. If I decided to stick strictly within the role of a reader/commenter, that's different. But I want to be peers with some of these people. There's just too much possibility for mishap, mayhem, and madness. I don't want some future internet drama cat fight thing to be hash-tagging MY name! So no more book blog. I'll leave that to another type of writer. And I think I might pull my reviews from Goodreads- or make it private. Something. There will be more purging. I will be the ultimate professional.

Um, also updates to the website. More hyper-linking. More samples. More "professional" details, and bio. (Do you see the trend? I'm kinda obsessed. lol) It's a work in progress.

And, yeah. I think that's about it. It was scattered. But whatever. So's my mind. ;-)

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: CSI re-runs
What I want most: some lotion

One Trick Pony

2010-11-01T00:58:00.000-07:00

WHY is it that readers/writers are automatically assumed to be an endless source of self-entertainment? The standard reply to any literary soul's occasional "I'm bored" is ALWAYS "Go read/write something."

Why? WHY?

Is it incomprehensible that sometimes we need a BREAK from words? We love 'em, sure, but 24/7 language can get as boring as your day job stuffing envelopes. Sometimes, other creative outlets are appreciated people!

Gahhhhhhhhh. Non-literary people stereotypes about us booky types.

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: Nothing at the moment.
What I want most: a mind break. Non-word related. No books. No writing. Gimme the mind fluff.

Freelance= Non-Fiction?

2010-10-30T09:31:00.000-07:00

Another pet peeve of mine. Why do self-help writer's magazines and articles and bloggers ALWAYS assume that the freelance writer is a journalist?

I simply don't understand. Freelance BY definition is multiple venues, so how come the modus operandi has changed to be multiple non-fiction MARKETS?

No, I am not interested in breaking into a cat magazine when I have no cats. Yes, maybe some crazy dude is challenging himself to query his way through the entire Writer's Digest Freelance Market (true story, but I have lost the link. Sorry! Later edit to come) but I am still a freelancer, am I not? AM I NOT?

Wheeeeeeew, and deep breath.

Self-employed. Frequent changes between publishers. Creation of works first then the query. Sounds like me, right? RIGHT?

I AM FREELANCE TOO! GIVE US POETRY AND PROSE PEOPLE SOME LOVE TOO! IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT NON-FICTION.

And if you think otherwise, you are clearly more knowledgeable than me, so go ahead. Enlighten me. WHY SHOULDN'T THERE BE AN ARTICLE ON FREELANCING THE SMALL PRESSES? HUH? HUH?

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: Nuthin, calming down for bed (lol, we'll see how this goes)
What I want most: sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepppp!

Mind Break

2010-10-29T06:48:00.000-07:00

There are no words for the love. No words.

Right Now:
What I'm listening to: football game
What I want most: I'm completely happy! =)

Bittersweet

2010-10-28T00:01:00.000-07:00

This makes me laugh and cry at the same time. Really, what are we poor English majors to DO in life??

Ah, careers and jobs and salaries and real life matters. How you depress me. So very, very much.

I like my rosy pink bubble of illusion, thank you very much. I'm comfortable in here. We have discussions about death in Emerson and the cult of Harold Bloom. And cookies.

Lots of cookies.

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: "Not Fair" by Kate Havnevik
What I want most: someone to tell me "Do X. Study Y. You'll be fine. Z is the greatest, happiest place in the whole wide world!" (*sigh*)

This is Not Medea

2010-10-27T00:01:00.000-07:00

AMMMMMMMMM I about to do this? I think, I think... I think I am about to commit the ultimate writer's sin. Actually, I think I'm about to commit the TWO cardinal sins of writing. I am not going to listen to my editor, and I am not killing my darlings.

(*pause for horrified, stupefied look*)

Oh man, I can't believe I even said that. I can't believe that I'm at this point. But every time I look at the proposed changes on my poem, something wells up in me- "No. Just no. This isn't what I want to say. This isn't how I want to say it. This isn't me."

I've had great revision experiences, from several sources. I really have benefited from the input, and I have learned why the advice is given, as well as how it adds to my piece. And I have been recommended by a creative writing professor, at this point in my career especially, it's better to accept revisions and get published, then revert to the original format in a later chapbook.

Yet. Yet, yet, yetyetyet.

I am not Medea, and more importantly, I am not a minimalist. My style of writing is conversationalist. I tend towards the rhythm of spoken word poetry. There are a lot of "and"s and "the"s and "but"s in my writing-- many which can be removed, but also many that I think function as part of the poem. When I read it aloud, my version has a melody, whereas the proposed version is choppy, rough, fragmented with loss and awkward jumps.

I know that I'm likely still reacting with emotion. Time and distance would give me a clearer head to think through the changes. But even as I have accepted (and subsequently edited in) some points, there are others that I think I must stick by my guns for. I don't want to be the prissy, recalcitrant Speshul Snowflake Poet, but what about my artistic integrity?

I just really hope I'm not shooting myself in the foot.

To cheer myself up, and remind myself of the important tenents of writing...
Devin Galaudet's The Creative Writer’s Bill of Rights (or The Creative Bill of Writes)

1. The artist can turn off all filters and say anything about any subject, at any time, for any reason.
2. No subject matter, no how uncomfortable or offensive to self or others, is off limits
3. No single word: expletive or other no-no should be avoided due to political correctness or fear. If the word is appropriate in the context of the writing, it should stay. *
4. Any random thought should be written down by the writer, especially when the writer’s internal voice says, you can’t say that!
5. No matter how perfect a writing is, it could be edited down further or expanded upon.
6. Sometimes a writer will have to kill his or her babies. This means some great ideas/lines/articles will have to be removed, taken out, destroyed, sacrificed or edited in order to make the writing better. It can be a painful process.
7. Making changes that others have suggested, after careful scrutiny, gives the writer more authority as a writer.
8. Ignoring changes that others have suggested, after careful scrutiny, gives the writer more authority as a writer.
9. Getting a big authentic reaction is good – whether the reader liked the writing or not. Big reactions like “You suck,” is not a good reason to rewrite.
10. Taking a risk is a good thing.
11. Making a difference takes risk.
* Writing for shock value: using words and topics to offend for the sake of being offensive, is not creative. It is divisive and outside the scope of this sacred document — where is good parchment when you need it?
Write Now:
What I'm listening to: "Look No Further" by Dido
What I want most: Second opinions- revise, or withdraw? Comment!

Subconscious Tests

2010-10-26T12:14:00.000-07:00

A quick note before the regular post: This is Agonies' THREE HUNDREDTH post!! Thanks everyone that have stuck with me since the beginning, and thanks to all the new readers that continue to help me grow and reach new audiences! It's been a great experience, and I can't wait to see where we go in the future!

Want to know something weird and completely illogical?

I just had three poems rejected and I'm super super excited!

Wait WHAT?!?!?!?!! you all scream back at me. But it's true. Here, let me explain.

A while back, I was depressed because I had a huge string of acceptances. Wait, WHAT?!? you say again. But there were too many, too fast, and from publications that I couldn't trust on quality control. My first ever experience with "publishing" was back when I was sixteen and got caught up in the famous poetry.com racket (see website for full story), so the easy acceptances scared me. In my head, my resume started to resemble a listing of vanity presses, not actual accomplishments. And I wasn't sure how to break the trend.

This weekend, I sent out a HUGE number of pieces to various publications (almost thirty different works!) and so far I have received five form rejections, two rewrite requests, and this morning's lovely gift of two personal rejections of "doesn't work for me" and "banal"

But again, I'm super excited. Because frankly the one poem IS clunky, and the other IS banal.

I think that I subconsciously choose poems that under a more lenient editor would have squeaked by into publication. The words are pretty enough but there's no real polish. And the fact that they got rejected means that my poems that HAVE been published with this group, really do mean something. To the editors, and now, to myself. I am able to feel more pride in my resume because the publication didn't care that I had published with them previously, and rejected my works anyways. There was none of the "return customer" strategies about this last submission. They hated my poems, and they told me, frankly and boldly without hesitation.

I needed to hear that I was a bad poet, to remind myself that I AM a good poet with a bad draft.

As weird and illogical as that may sound.

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: ticking of the clock, morning stirring sounds, trash bags rustling and wheels turning
What I want most: to be able to cook soon

The Chance Compliment

2010-10-25T00:30:00.000-07:00

So today I want to talk about a chance compliment I received back in spring that has really motivated me in the successive months.

I had submitted to a publication on campus that was a little out of my comfort zone, one that focused on expressions of female sexuality. I was unsure about contributing to something so risque, especially with my conservative background growing up. Still, there was some poking and prodding instinct to go ahead and risk it! So I sent in two poems and a personal essay, and was published.

The magazine was released a few days before I attended a job related BBQ. I was the new hire, and unfamiliar with most of the people around me. As I sat down with my burger and my beer, all out of the blue, a male co-worker I never inner-acted with before asked me "Did you write such and such piece?"

Me: (stunned) um, yes?

I really liked it, he replied.

I couldn't believe it. One, that he read the magazine. Two, he read my pieces, three, associated them with ME, and four, remembered long enough to bring it up. What kind of alternative reality was I in? Was that really non-alcoholic beer, or had something else been slipped in?

But as I continue down the road, I realize more and more how wonderful a compliment he paid me. Here I had taken a huge personal leap of faith into a world I was not familiar or comfortable in, and yet someone still found me not only competent but qualified.

If that co-worker had never said anything, I'm not sure that I would have had the courage to continue submitting to that particular magazine. I probably would have left it as a one time fling with the wild side. But because of what he did, I find that I have the strength to embrace this new world. And guess what? I love talking about female sexuality. Not because I'm some uber-radical, or because I represent the conservative side of the argument, but because it's a part of my humanity. Not some stereotype, but just simple human experience.

Because of him, I was excited to write a second personal essay for the upcoming fall 2010 issue, which has been accepted. In fact, I'm working on a third I hope to squeak in under deadline (18 days!). And I want to pursue these topics to other venues, other magazines. I want to see where this can take me. I want to see how I grow and learn and mature in life and in writing. I want to surprise myself. I want to challenge myself. And I don't want to stop because of some excuse like "that just isn't who I am." I don't know yet. I'm not defined. I'm not fixed.

All I know is, part of me has changed for good because of a chance compliment.

And if sometimes I write with him in mind, well, maybe that's not such a bad thing either.

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: "Sand in My Shoes" by Dido (Somehow it's so apropos...)
What I want most: the Kris Longknife book that comes out tomorrow! Squeeeeeeeee!

Notification

2010-10-19T11:57:00.000-07:00

Poem is published!

www.everydaypoets.com

That is all.

The Pro/Con List Pt. 2

2010-09-22T01:58:00.000-07:00

I've been writing a series of loosely connected posts about MFA programs, popular fiction, genre reception, and job prospects. Today I want to expand that a little further.

I think that the expectation to be good at one genre (to the exclusion of others) is slowly creeping over to smother the literary community. MFA programs force a single concentration. If you're lucky, you get the option to take electives in other types of writing, but simultaneous programs? The exception, not the rule. Which is saddening. Why NOT try to develop general writing skills? I do understand the need for a defined area of study during the development of a thesis. Very reasonable on the academic administration side. On the artist's side...

If I'm paying the tuition, I want my investment returned. And I want to be fully trained to meet my professional goals when I graduated. However, my professional goals don't include a one-trick pony. I wanna be a writer. Not a poet, not an essayist, not a columnist, not a food writer, not a fashion writer, not a novelist. A WRITER. I don't have to be an expert to write all of those genres. I might not be as credible, but ultimately what I'm selling is my personal perspective, not an encyclopedia.

I'm selling my writing, and I never want to limit my writing.

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: "What Becomes of Us?" by Cinephile
What I want most: Venom by Jennifer Estep! Only a few days! =)

The Pro/Con List

2010-09-21T02:17:00.001-07:00

I spent last night (this morning? lol) researching MFA programs. Even though I have a few years, the frenzy that my friends have just finished has inspired me (or terrified me) into getting a head start. Of course, that has stirred up a whole list of issues on its own.

As I said in yesterday's post, I have this thing about admitting up to my popular fiction habits. I write it all the time, but putting it on a resume or talking about it in a job interview sends me into embarrassed shivers.

And the thought of applying to Seton Hill's popular fiction program--

-- very enticing.

But also, not enticing.

Because in two years after graduation, I need to be searching for a job. And a job requires some training. And writing ability is differently measured when your background is in (Emile) Zola than zombies.

And while the program would be great if I planned to go full-time, I don't have the confidence to take that (very real, very big) financial risk.

However, at the Pennwriter's Conference I went to earlier this year, I sat in on Maria V. Snyder's workshop. She mentioned that she went back to school (at Seton Hill) after she was both full time and published several times. And that she benefited just as much from that order of doing things because she was approaching it with a different perspective and purpose. Which, I think, is pretty sage advice.

And something to keep in mind.

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: Cat Power's cover of "Space Oddity" by David Bowie
What I want most: to find a downloadable version of THIS song. What IS it with iTunes lately?

Secret Mistress

2010-09-20T13:19:00.000-07:00

So I have recently finished a completely empowering, you-go-girl, popular-fiction-is-not-a-crime kind of article. Here's the thing though-- with all my bravado, I still treat fiction as my secret mistress. It's the passion I get on the side while loyalty still remains with poetry.

The kind of fiction I write is not conclusive to the contests on literary magazines that I would submit my poetry to. My poetry is much more high-brow than my fiction (well, mostly). Still, that doesn't mean I lack ambition for my fiction. I do want to have it published, and I do want people to read it-- it's just stepping out a little and admitting to both at the same time. Especially in professional (day job) settings.
*Yes, I write about pretty flowers and zombies.*

I cringe a little when I think about turning in my resume or showing up to a job interview. How do you make popular fiction credible to the literary (slash and/or snooty) crowd? When you live in (and for) academia, what strategies of reconciliation can you use to balance both sides (of yourself)? And how do you advocate something that (even) you (yourself) are ashamed of?

I don't like this trait. But I'm also not sure what to do about it.

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: "It's Not Alright ft. Sinima" by Iras
What I want most: to find a downloadable version of this song. Stupid iTunes.

Life Outside the Ivory Tower

2010-09-17T18:41:00.000-07:00

After a morning full of a series of depressing articles: "So You Wanna Go to Grad School?" "Graduate School in the Humanities: Just Don't Go" and "Deprogramming from the Academic Program" my motivation is low and my confusion is high. Not about grad school, per se -- I'm pretty convinced that even if I learn nothing in an MFA program (and that's highly unlikely) the two years of concentrated output is a visible benefit. Plus, any program comes with exposure to new authors/works and networking with professors and other students. So, an MFA is a 99% likelihood.

However, these articles tap into the approaching reality of post-grad life. What kind of job can a creative writer find? Is it truly possible to support yourself financially as a full time freelancer? Is there even freelance work for someone not interested in non-fiction/journalism? How much writing do you truly do with a 9 to 5 job? Is it possible to find a compatible lifestyle balancing writing and "reality"?

There are no answers. Google did have somewhat encouraging search results for "writing jobs"- grant writers and business writers most numerous, but from companies I didn't expect and could be more enthused about than I expected. Still, it's a scary scary world out there, and I don't deal well with uncertainty. I work better having defined steps to achieve a goal, and while finishing my undergrad and then grad school takes care of the next four-ish years, I would still like some article out there to say "Hey look! Do this, and you become qualified for 'reality'!"

Of course, that's the wet dream of every humanities major, so this is nothing new.

So, to counter the depression, a return back to what I know. Writing. And a little offering of humor.

Devin Galaudet's The Creative Writer’s Bill of Rights (or The Creative Bill of Writes)

1. The artist can turn off all filters and say anything about any subject, at any time, for any reason.
2. No subject matter, no how uncomfortable or offensive to self or others, is off limits
3. No single word: expletive or other no-no should be avoided due to political correctness or fear. If the word is appropriate in the context of the writing, it should stay. *
4. Any random thought should be written down by the writer, especially when the writer’s internal voice says, you can’t say that!
5. No matter how perfect a writing is, it could be edited down further or expanded upon.
6. Sometimes a writer will have to kill his or her babies. This means some great ideas/lines/articles will have to be removed, taken out, destroyed, sacrificed or edited in order to make the writing better. It can be a painful process.
7. Making changes that others have suggested, after careful scrutiny, gives the writer more authority as a writer.
8. Ignoring changes that others have suggested, after careful scrutiny, gives the writer more authority as a writer.
9. Getting a big authentic reaction is good – whether the reader liked the writing or not. Big reactions like “You suck,” is not a good reason to rewrite.
10. Taking a risk is a good thing.
11. Making a difference takes risk.
* Writing for shock value: using words and topics to offend for the sake of being offensive, is not creative. It is divisive and outside the scope of this sacred document — where is good parchment when you need it?

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: The news (It's hurting my ears)
What I want most: chocolate, and good wine, and a hug

Is It Over Yet?

2010-09-16T18:27:00.000-07:00

So I have a question for you today: Is it worth reading bad books to know what NOT to do, or should one give up before brain cells die?

I started a book today. By the inside jacket blurb, I knew I was in for some far-fetched and convoluted plot "twists." By page 74, I knew I didn't like it. By page 140, I knew if I skimmed the rest of the book, I wouldn't have missed anything. Yet here I am, impossibly at page 294, still reading, still hating it, and still convinced that I should finish the da*m thing. Because 100 pages of "climax" and "conclusion" might teach me something about how to write CLIMAX! and CONCLUSION!

Hopefully.

So, do you believe there's worth in a bad book, if not for the reader then for the writer? Or do you think that only good literature teaches us? What has been your experience in this area?

Right Now:
What I'm listening to: The Paternal Voice's horrible semblance of music
What I want most: to finish this stupid book

See? It Really IS for the Articles

2010-09-16T00:29:00.000-07:00

Today I sat for a good chunk of time in the nail salon waiting for The Maternal Figure to finish up her manicure, and had the opportunity to devour a recent issue of Vogue (I love the wide variety of articles in the magazine-- not just fashion but many diverse personal narratives and lifestyle features). An interview with model Karen Elson on her recent music album release yielded a surprising breakthrough for my current writing slump. It read:
The early songs I wrote were very self-indulgent,” [Elson] says. “Real woe-is-me. But living in Nashville, the songwriters I like here, they all manage to find a narrative; they use metaphors and stories to explain what they're feeling.” She rolls her eyes. “I don't need to show everybody my diary.

Yes, yes, I thought, this is my problem. My writing is a circle about this big (two curved fingers) because I write directly about myself and my feelings. I have mastered that. Now I need to make my circle this big (two curved hands) by using what I feel to write about everybody else. And knowing how to do so (metaphor, analogy) technically is not as important as knowing how to make the connection in the first place. I'm missing that first link. I'm missing a narrative.

How to make this jump is the troubling aspect that I've been wrestling with over the past several months. I'm not sure how to break through the barrier-- in my darker moments, I feel that this should be an inherent ability, and that I should just give up writing entirely.

But I have innate stubbornness, if not innate genius, and I am persistently pursuing ways to cheat my way over the wall, so I don't have to break through it. Hence, the summer writing program (which unfortunately didn't work out) and the rekindled interest in "classical" poetry (see yesterday's post). Add a few literary journals in, and maybe the occasional self-help article, and hopefully this becomes the brew to spell me back into meaningful conceptions. Until then, it's just plugging along-- and finding the occasional fashion magazine with the helpful writing tip.

What do you do to make your work relevant in a larger sense? Do you focus on this consciously? Is it the words, or the themes that drive your pieces?

Adult Females Restrain From Emotion

2010-09-14T01:26:00.000-07:00

aka, big girls don't cry.

aka, big girls read classic poetry.

aka, Shelly pulled up her big girl pannies and went to Barnes and Nobles to buy big girl poetry. Namely, Emily Dickinson, Slyvia Plath, and Langsten Hughes.

I figured it was time to stop salivating over Wislawa Szymborska and go read some other people. Okay, I'll never stop drooling over "Nothing Twice" or "Could Have" or any of my other favorites. But I should expand so that I won't be writing in imitation of Szymborska for the rest of my life, which is of course what I am doing now. Not in the good, healthy, learning way either.

Maybe that's why my poetry is so bad. It's not me and it's not her. It's somewhere in between, and somewhere in between is a lost, frigid, desolate, unpublished sort of place. Heh.

Anyways, I have worked through the scholarly introduction to Dickinson, and the first few pages. I haven't yet touched the others, out of a misguided need to finish the entire Dickinson collected works before moving on to the next poet. Which will keep me poetically ignorant until the end of doomsday. *Note to Self: Ignore AR tendencies, amp up rational diversification*

I take it as a good thing that I have at least bought the books. It's a 12 step program:

1) Think of the books
2) Think of the books in connection with the thought of buying them
3) Go to the bookstore and forget to buy the books
4) buy the books
5) put books on bookshelf
6) take books down, move to couch, forget, reshelve
7) repeat
8) open cover
9) read intro
10) re-read intro
11) read first chapter
12) re-read first chapter through to the end chapter

Yep, yep. That's how it goes. For pretty much any real book of hefty worth and weight. Especially my textbooks. I mean, recommended reading. No, I mean extra research, I mean..... damn. Daddy don't read this part, 'kay?

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: ABBA "Winner Takes It All"
What I want most: schleeeeeeeeeeep!

Tasty Little Bites

2010-08-20T13:19:00.001-07:00

Mmmm, progress. It happens in tasty little bites, and you don't notice until you're full how much has been accomplished (eaten?).

I think this week has been a series of those Little Hostess mini muffins-- the blueberry kind in a lunchbox size pack. There's the surprise of the blueberry tartness, and the base note of the cakey sweetness, and overall fluffiness.

For one, my poem "Subconscious Answer" has been scheduled for publication October 19th on EverydayPoets.com. Yay! I have finally finished with revisions, and the editors and I are all happy. It's very different from how I initially conceptualized, but I think in the end that's a good thing.

Also, I added about 400 words to my first chapter. Not much, but considering I doubled the original (and total) word count, . . . . . haha.

And there were a few poems somewhere.

So it's little bites. Getting somewhere.

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: TV..... not even sure what
What I want most: Venom by Jennifer Estep!!

Ba-Ba-Ba-Blase

2010-08-12T00:08:00.001-07:00

I had an Epiphany of the Week, but I've been sidling up to this idea for months now, so in all reality it's not that shocking.

I hate my published work.

Which is a horrible, terrible, awful thing to say on my professional blog about my work, to publicize my work to potential readers and publishers. Really, it's asinine to say such a thing.

Still the truth though.

I'm not sure if the emotion is based on the hours and hours of creation, and the hours and hours of revision that went into the completion of each piece. It might be just a case of "familiarity breeds contempt." I've no doubt it's an element.

But I also know that the pieces I'm most proud of are still sitting on my desktop after multiple rejections. Then I remember that not many days ago I wrote how my poem "A Writer's Apology" was the published piece I'm most proud of. Then I notice the subconscious qualifier of published. And finally I get fed up with myself for not being happy with myself along with the simultaneous acknowledgment of ambition and the desire to be the best at my passion. None of these thoughts should be cringe-worthy, but the tangle in my head would like to contradict.

I have flashes of content- a title, a new technique, an example of word choice. I would never say I'm ashamed of my pieces. I've worked too hard for that. I'm glad of what I've achieved, and I wouldn't change anything. Still, I have a nagging sense of ... disappointment? discouragement? distrust? And the feeling persists until I push it all away with disgust.

I have the suspicion that I'm better at fiction, and only write poetry because I know the ending is only within a few more lines.

Right Now:
What I'm listening to: Sara Jackson Holman "Cellophane"
What I want most: faster internet... all these downloads are killing my reaction time

Retribution

2010-08-11T18:44:00.000-07:00

Oh noes! I got dissed on public webspace, so now I'm goaded into pulling out the big guns. Be ready, o' friend my friend. This writer is about to deliver a novel reading experience. I shall not suffer in silence!

The aforementioned friend and heinous slanderer found this meme on the internet, and thought to issue a fun challenge: Answer the following questions. (I bet now she wishes she didn't heh heh heh)

-Why do you write?

-What is your idea of success?

-What do you spend enormous amounts of energy on? Why?

-Who / what has influenced you?

-What belief do you hold most dear? What does your faith consist of? What do you refuse to believe?

-If you could interview anyone, living or dead, fictional or real, whom would you choose and why?

-Travel in your mind to a different time and describe what you find.

-What would you do if you had no expectations or duties to fulfill?

-What would you like to do or see before you die?

-What is your idea of a perfect weekend?

-What would you change about yourself?

-What has been hardest for you to forgive?

-What are your favorites? (Books, movie moments, plays, pieces of music, paintings, foods, holidays, animals, names, sports, activities, places, etc.)

-What qualities do you most admire in people? What qualities do you despise?

-Describe your ideal mate.

-What used to be important to you and now isn't? What didn't used to be important to you but is now?

Not all of these necessarily apply to writing, but I'm sure I'll find a way.

Why I Write

Every author is asked this question. Every author attempts an answer. And every author walks away a little uneasy, wondering if he got it right, or chose the right word to explain something he doesn't truly know himself. And the next time they are asked, the make it just one sentence clearer, one sentiment more understood, both to the audience and themselves. It's only the series of questions, the constant repetition, that's worth anything. So each time, we get up, and answer again.

On the other hand, there's a great instinct for the direction the drive blows in from.

If I may, I'll go off in a brief but relevant tangent.

I've been thinking lately a lot about the role that popular fiction plays in the psyche. There has long been the claim that only "high literature" has any sort of profound influence on the mind, and that anything meant for the mass market is mere mind fluff. As I spend more and more time reading through the best sellers and blockbusters, I realize that this is absolutely NOT TRUE. Sometimes, the most resonating book is the very mental candy that is so despised by "literary" circles. Iris Johansen's Deadlock seemed to be a very accurate and moving depiction of post-traumatic stress disorder. The healing process that the main character goes through paralleled some of my own experiences in coping, and I not only indentified, but completed one more step in my personal progress. Somehow, as well-written as they might be, I doubt that reading Moby Dick or Great Expectations would have done the same. (*Disclaimer: I have no doubt that in a different situation, for a different person, the results might be reversed, but my focus is on stereotypes and expectations in the publishing world.)

I'm not saying that the author has to have this outcome in mind, but like Lilith Saintcrow can take pride in their "hack" status. Rather, I would argue that every hack has the unlimited potential to create a work both meaningful and influential. Indeed, might even have a greater likelihood because the result is unintentional.

So I write, crudely and merely in essence, to provide others with the same healing in words that I have found. Whether in serious or silly works, with set or unknown intent, I want to be the author that solves a few problems, and gets a few laughs along the way. I cannot think of anything better or more glorious than that.

Right Now:

What I'm listening to: Ranetki "O Tebe"

What I want most: some dedicated writing time- and go!

The Motivation Factor: Accomplishment

2010-07-28T00:41:00.000-07:00

I was going to make this a quick appearance, to announce that my poem "A Writer's Apology" is published today at EverydayPoets.com but I've realized that such a brief note isn't satisfying to me. Trying to analyze why, I believe that it's because I have done so much in the past two days, the momentum won't let me skip out in laziness. So.

I think "A Writer's Apology" might be one of the most mature of my published works. I feel that I am developing the spare, lyric style that poetry celebrates, but with the technical details of punctuation (especially hyphens) that I wish to represent my voice. Of course, I have a long way to go. But this poem gives me hope.

She got edited out of the title, but this poem still is as it always was- for Michelle.

On to fun things. In the past two days I have:

-bought the home exercise machine I have obsessed over for two years. It's this awesome leg machine for the inside and outside thighs, and it's killing me. Conversely, I heart it.

-started my jewelry up again, and bought the books on metal working that I wanted. And am settling on a title for my small business license. Wholesale, baby!

-bought out of print Sherwood Smith books on Amazon. They may make some sh*tty business decisions that piss me off (see AmazonFail), but I admit I like the interface of the Kindle better than the Nook, and the secondhand sellers seem reliable. Hence, out of print Sherwood Smith at $9 and $10 instead of $25 and $32. Yeah, exactly.

- have bought entirely too many other books to qualify for free shipping, and have gorged myself on Kindle. Two forms of reading, twice as many deductions from my account. *rulerhandsmack*

-have discovered some fun new artists through various means, including the lovely single "Jar of Hearts" from Christina Perri, Tristan Prettyman, and The Pierces. And I have added to my collection of Zero 7, Moby, and ABBA (what can I say, I have eclectic tastes.) Yum, music.

-reread some old friends squirreled away here at Ye Olde Childehood Homestead. It's good to be home for the summer.

-gorged myself on Hollywood gossip. (I have this thing for Angelina Jolie. It's stupid, it's probably only half-true, and I buy the magazines anyways. Anyone notice that three or so this month have her on the cover? Fascinating. . .)

-finally got myself back into the business of submitting poems. I write, fairly consistently, but submitting is the real true talent behind it all. Trust me. Understanding the market is hard.

-ate entirely too much. Which leads me back to the beginning, and my super-duper awesome cellulite blasting leg torture device. Because I may be twenty-one, but this writer lifestyle has done nothing for me. The grass has withered, my friends, the grass has withered. Another side effect of living in the desert.

Right Now:
What I'm listening to: The Pierces "The Secret" (I love the cheerful French style accordian melody against the morbid lyrics)
What I want most: Mmmmm, still the release of Jennifer Estep's Venom. But the whole month of September is rather wonderful for my in terms of new books.

Southern Vortex

2010-07-06T20:24:00.000-07:00

I thought to inform you all of one of the reasons I have not been posting much lately. See, there's this new author I just discovered, and well . . . I might (just might, mind) have disappeared to read (and re-read, and then re-read again) her books. At last count, I think I might have been up to 4 complete read-throughs. And there are two books in the series.

Yes, I know. No, you don't need to point out how obsessive I am. Yes, I am aware it's not normal behavior. No, I don't need a shrink. Thank you, I'm fine.

I call it research. Friends and family cry bullsh*t. But the series is really good, and has a main character- Gin Blanco- that really appeals to me, in the same way Ilona Andrews' Kate Daniels appeals. What can I say- an assassin with a love for cooking really hits all my soft spots.

Because the description from Jennifer Estep's website outmatches anything I could write about the books, I'll just leave you with this:

My name is Gin, and I kill people.

They call me the Spider. I’m the most feared assassin in the South—when I’m not busy at the Pork Pit cooking up the best barbecue in Ashland. As a Stone elemental, I can hear everything from the whispers of the gravel beneath my feet to the vibrations of the soaring Appalachian Mountains above me. My Ice magic also comes in handy for making the occasional knife. But I don’t use my powers on the job unless I absolutely have to. Call it professional pride.

Now that a ruthless Air elemental has double-crossed me and killed my handler, I’m out for revenge. And I’ll exterminate anyone who gets in my way—good or bad. I may look hot, but I’m still one of the bad guys. Which is why I’m in trouble, since irresistibly rugged Detective Donovan Caine has agreed to help me. The last thing this coldhearted killer needs when I’m battling a magic more powerful than my own is a distraction … especially when Donovan wants me dead just as much as the enemy.

Oh, yeah. *shiver*

I won't post the blurb for the 2nd book, because it gives away a few spoilers, but I promise- if you read the first, you WILL read the second. heheheh.

I CANNOT wait until Sept 28th when the 3rd in the series (Venom) comes out. *eyes calender maliciously*

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: Shuffle on iTunes has popped up with ... "Bendicion" by Zeri. I dunno how I got that. Or where. Is this Spanish? Hmmmmm.
What I want: Venom. Definitely Venom. Le sigh.

Author Relations

2010-07-06T19:27:00.000-07:00

Say that you and Author X have a small but significant relationship (to you) where you've email back and forth a few times, did the whole comments on the blog thing, might even have meet at a signing or conference, and you want to take it one step further. You might have the time for it, but do they? And do they, fiercesome god/goddess of words divine, really want to have an actual friendship, or are you just the lowly pion that is overstepping boundaries?

This question has been bothering me for some time. When authors turn into people, and not just the hands that touch the keyboard, for their readers, that's great. But the author is looking out at a vast, faceless crowd. So, how do you show that 1) the interest is real, and 2) not connected to books in the total omg fangirl sense.

I have no answers. But do you have (I don't want to say strategies because that sounds so . . . clinical) ideas for a polite, political, and non-invasive approach? Comment please!

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: Nothing. I am getting boring in my old age.
What I want most: There's this ice cream flavor that I can't remember the name of but tasted EXACTLY like a White Russian. . .

Synonyms Can Suck My Saki Pot

2010-07-05T00:01:00.000-07:00

It's the author's dread nightmare. Rushing along, fully engaged in the plot, and then you lose the word you are looking for. You know the words around it. You know the words similar to it. But you don't have that word, and it derails the Muse train completely.

Alternative reoccurring nightmare. Same scenario: rushing along, happy on the flat plained railroad track of plot lines. Suddenly, you look up, and you've used the same word in two back-to-back sentences. Or even worse, in the exact same sentence. Then you scramble, trying to find a similar word. Which context needs the original, and which context can you sub in the benched player? Does it work like you first imagined, or does it go somewhere different now? Is it better, or did it get a little more clichéd in here? And will somebody please fix that split infinitive!

Yep. Nightmares. This is why I say it again.

Synonyms can suck my saki pot.

Write now:

What I'm listening to: Nothing. Attempting to sleep soon.

What I want most: New release Venom from Jennifer Estep --Sept 28th!

Pouty Productivity

2010-06-24T10:49:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a while, hasn't it?

I've had good mood days since the last post, but for some reason, it's today pouty mood that finally makes me productive. At least enough to make a quick stop.

Good news- I got the date from Everyday Poets when they are publishing the second poem that they accepted/bought. "A Writer's Apology" appears July 28th on the EP website. I'll put up another reminder when it gets closer to the actual date.

So I'm off to dive back into writing. I have a new pen and a new notebook to do justice to.

Right Now:
What I'm listening to: National Geographic Channel
What I want most: to find a new ebook =)

Hotel Writer

2010-06-02T10:40:00.001-07:00

I have come to the conclusion that I am in essence a hotel writer. I like to be utterly alone when I write. More than physically being solitary, but shut away in my own little bubble. Technically, if I had good enough focus and determination, I could conjure up this intensity bubble anywhere, and be able to write wherever I have my computer. For a while, I thought I was that kind of person-- able to shut others out no matter what and write.

I'm not.

I have been staying at Ye Olde Farme Homestead with Grandfather the Patriarch, the Maternal Figure, and The Rest of the Family/Clan/Mafia and I have not written a thing.

Not that I can't-- I have the ideas. Not that I'm unable to-- I have the Mac-nomer lappy, internet (clearly), and the sentences floating behind my eyeballs. But I have the bedroom and the kitchen table. Both of which are public enough spaces that if I sit to write, someone will look over. Someone will look over, and ask a question. Someone will ask a question,

(*pause for prime ironic example #1-- being asked to set the table*)

and a question will require explanation. Explanation leads to a second question, and the cringe-inducing need to explain not only the second question, but explain away the somewhat badly concealed disbelief in their eyes. "You're writing about what?"

Honestly, (and this is a trend in all my writing) I'd rather just present them with a completed manuscript rather than explaining the complicated creative convulsions in my head.

So public areas with strangers-- good. Public areas with people I know-- bad. It's more than the interruptions, it the almost circus freak in a side-show stares than get me every time.

So I am a hotel writer. Something about being able to blockade myself from all distractions --physical, emotional, mental, familial--works with the way I work. I probably would have made a very good monk if I switched a couple of generations and genders.

In the end, I am attempting to create my own hotel room. Here, in the middle of the kitchen, with people looking over my shoulder, the smell of lunch in the air, and very space for the circumference of me-bubble. Limited to . . . well, me. (And perhaps the chair I sit in) The new earphones I got on Recent Excursion #2 with MlleDiabolique to the Duke Lifelines poetry conference have this amazing suction-like ability to shut out noise (it sounds like I'm underwater). I'm looking for good writer-y music. Any suggestions? I currently have quirky/folksy covered with Lenka-esque band Au Revoir Simone. Got any other mood music?

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: "Dark Halls" by Au Revoir Simone
What I want most: an office, all for teh writing

She's a Working Writer!!

2010-06-01T07:01:00.000-07:00

It's official! I'm a working poet!

Today my poem "Spring is Here" was published by e-zine Everyday Poets, and I am so excited! Mostly because this signals the true launch of my career in writing...

I got paid.

I am a working writer!!!

Everyday Poets has a philosophy that if you write it, you worked hard, therefore you should get paid for it (but with the catch that it'll only be a nominal fee). So therefore, I have the largess of a dollar. (lol)

But do I care? No. I do not care. I absolutely do not care. In fact, I absolutely adore my dollar paycheck. If I didn't get paid electronically, I would frame said dollar. It's my first from writing and I love it.

Now, I'm off to watch the polls and the comments section, then to curl myself into a ball of misery when the reviews come back bad, gorging myself on coffee and chocolate. At least I have a new book released today that I'm super excited about-- it's ebook format too, which means I can have it in five, four, three, two...

(g)one.

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: country kitchen sounds
What I want most: book, or good reviews? book, or good reviews? hmmmmmmm.

Filler Tidbits

2010-05-31T21:08:00.000-07:00

I am rather behind mentally on the whole blogging deal. I owe so many, have so many back-scheduled, and yet there is nothing. Nothing.

Therefore, filler tidbits.

1. The strangest thing I've ever eaten was Romanian rooster gelatin. With a drumstick floating in the middle. Tasted like congealed Top Ramen jello.
2. My best friends are wonderful, and make my life truly special. I am so lucky and blessed.
3. If I could live in a different era I wouldn't. The advantages I have here-- specifically advanced medical care-- are what keep me alive. I would literally be dead in another century. So no, I wouldn't. Not even hypothetically.
4. If you only know one thing about me it should be ... er? I'm proud of my writing? (*eck, this is hard!*)
5. My favorite book of all time is Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen.
6. The one beauty product I cannot live without is chapstick. Everything else I usually can do without. Emphasize on the "can" however. Does not mean I "do."
7. Blogging is wonderful, hands down. I adore it.
8. If I could star in a movie with one actor/actress, it would be Denzel Washington. I love him in The Bone Collector with Angelina Jolie.
9. One of the best feelings in the world is peace/contentment/stillness.
10. My current obsession is (*actually, what's NOT an obsession with me?*)
11. What's for dinner tonight? Chicken fried steak with gravy and french fries. Oh lawdy, I'm in the South.
12. The last thing I bought was a graduation present for a close friend. (*not to sound priggishly goodie-too-shoes in a public arena however*)
13. I am currently listening to nothing. The fan overhead. Crickets. Dogs barking. Going to bed household sounds.
14. If I could have a home, totally paid for, totally furnished anywhere in the world, it would be in I'm not sure. There are so many places I haven't been yet, I would hate to limit myself. But as of this moment, Spain. Around Grenada.
15. The one thing I would change about myself is probably superficial, like my weight. But otherwise, nothing. I may not like certain things about myself, but I would not change them.
16. If you could go anywhere in the world in the next hour, where would you go? St. Petersburg, Russia.
17. The languages I would love to learn are you mean after I perfect my French? (*bwhahahahaha*) Um, Hindi, Farsi, Russian, and Spanish.
18. My favorite quote is: “What's the world come to, when the paper tells the pen what to do?" from Lope de Vega's (the Spanish Shakespeare) Fuentaovejuna (the sad thing is, I saw the play performed live before I ever read it, and when I read it, I couldn't find this line. I don't know if I made it up, or if the actors took liberties, or the translation I bought just did a bad job... but I never did find that quote)
19. I am most afraid of dying before I ever do anything.
20. My favorite colour is charcoal gray
21. My dream job is to be a writer. Duh. =)
22. The one thing that brings a smile to my face instantaneously is a child's laughter.
23. The one word I use a lot is "like". And I hate it.
24. When I'm feeling blue I will read a book, curled in the fetal position, with blankets and possibly coffee/tea.
25. What inspires me is persistence.
26. My favorite season is definitely autumn. The best of everything-- rainy and windy without being unbearably cold, with scarves and cardigans and hot drinks and swirling leaves and muted, fading brillance.
27. My favorite dessert chocolate dipped strawberries.
28. How many tabs are open on your browser right now? 3: This window, Facebook, one "untitled" (I got distracted midway)
29. What was the first thought that crossed your mind this morning when you looked in the mirror? Girl, your roots! Fix that shiz.
30. The best piece of advice I was ever given was you can be anything you decide to be.
31. If I had a millions dollars to give to one charity, I would give it to Ronald MacDonald House, to set up a branch in a new city.
32. If at first you don't succeed you're just like everyone else. The norm, not the exception. So try it again. And don't be surprised if it's the fourth or fortieth time that pays off.

EDIT #1: I would actually change my mind about my favorite quote, to a line from the film adaption of Jane Austen's Mansfield Park with Jonny Lee Miller at the ball scene where his character says "There are as many different forms of love, as there are moments in time." It runs through my head more constantly than the de Vega quote.

EDIT #2: These questions came from dear friend MlleDiabolique's blog.

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: country night sounds
What I want most: I have a couple books in mind... (*grin!*)

The Bane of My Travel

2010-05-24T12:18:00.000-07:00

I've become resigned. It's no longer frustrating, no longer amusing, just another fact of life.

I have the worst luck in travel.*

Don't believe me? Here's evidence. And here. And I suspect that there are more in the archives, but I am lacking the motivation to troll through them all. (Feel free yourself, though.)

Anyways, I am stuck in another airport. More cancellations, more delays, a couple of missed connections... yeah, it's all here.

BUT-- I am going to Portland. To the book signing. The weather is predicted to be rainy and cold, and I have scarf and boots in preparation. I have artsy jewelry. I have brightly colored clothing. I have ... dammit, I don't have my book, I packed in the checked bag! Grrrrrrrr. Well, I will have a torrid Gothic romantic mystery by Louisa May Alcott when I get to Portland. (*grumble, grumble*) I will have a spiffy hotel (I'm obsessed with Embassy Suites. Yay Embassy Suites!) And tomorrow, I will have the newest Kate Daniels. Cosigned by the authors.

So, not thinking about the stupidity of air travel, thinking about the amazing two-day literary excursion in store.

Oh, they're calling me. Fascinating. Well, off to board the little silver sausage tube they call a plane. See you on the other coast!

*Correction: Air travel. I have the worst luck in air travel. Luckily, my car loves me.

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: "Hey, Soul Sister" by Train on the airport speakers.
What I want most: Some food. Real food, not airport stuff. To be in Portland. To escape the airport.

It's the Benefit I Wasn't Expecting

2010-05-19T19:54:00.000-07:00

Moving into my new apartment has really improved my writing. It's fascinating how the little things have helped me out. Like, having unobstructed wall space.

(It's an mass-plosion of plotting Post-its.)

And having my own desk. Technically, I've had one for my whole college career, but actually building my own desk--

(from this)

(to this)

-- has somehow made me really excited about plopping my rear-end down for hours of writing.

Of course, hours of writing turns into surfing the net, reading my many books in the to-get-to pile, and other neglected objects d' interest.

However, not tonight. Tonight I have paint fume headache, and am going happily off into TV land to rest my aching mind.

CSI here I come.

Write now:
What I'm listening: About to plug in to the dulcet tones of Gil Grissom
What I want most: this headache to go away. The Tylenol to kick in. And the peace to be restored.

Conference Weekend Special!: The End is Nigh

2010-05-16T10:45:00.000-07:00

The first day I was a skittish, chapped lip mess.

The second day I spent entirely turned to the right, presenting only my profile to the speakers, even if I asked a question, because I went swimming the night before and had a clogged left ear I couldn't hear out of.

By the third day, I had caffeine overdose headaches (I HATE 8 am mornings, and this was my sixth in a row) and spent the entire class hour playing the 30 second Bejeweled demo on my phone over and over again on because I was just. that. damn. desperate. (pencil-cum-stylus in one hand and one hand clutching the handle of a coffee cup).

I love conferences, but I love leaving conference just as much. What starts out as an adventure buoyed by spastic adrenaline degenerates into the stupid-stubborn persistence of a wild-eyed animal backed into a corner-- twitching, growling, trembling, bristling, and rolling eyes with the whites showing.

Information overload is dangerous. Being brain-fried can be hazardous to others. General surgeon's warning: Avoid writers at closing ceremonies. They bite.

Now, I need time to process.

And get that finger away from me! If you don't, I'll...

*chomp, chomp, chomp*

(blink, blink) Whoops.

Write now:
What I'm listening to: Ouran High School Host Club anime (it's research. no, really, it's research)
What I want most: to got to bed. It's 8 pm. I'm pathetic.

Conference Weekend Special!: Am I Elitist, Or Am I Elitist?

2010-05-15T10:25:00.000-07:00

I admit it-- I'm an elitist misanthrope. And nothing makes me hiss and spit with ruffled fur faster than other writers.

I'm not sure why writers as a particular breed can drive me crazier than a young kid on caffeine (with a puppy), but every conference I realize this.

Disclaimer: Writers are fascinating individuals, but get hundreds of them in limited square footage and those intriguing quirks turn into rage-inducing tics.

I both love and hate writer's conferences.

I'm the kind of girl who hugs that shadows in the back corner of the presentation room, claiming the same seat panel after panel. I listen, take notes, and write. I'm not particularly interested in promoting myself, and only somewhat in talking to people. I'm really bad at talking to people. Two or three will stand out, and I will consider approaching them. Maybe. If the right opportunity comes. If they are alone and bored, and if they casually catch my eye and seem willing to chat.

I'm not particularly shy, ~~I just think that sometimes~~

I'm totally shy, in the sense that I don't like putting myself out there. I'm more reserved than inhibited, but either way, it means that I'm pretty quiet. I will talk to people, it's just hard to do.

I asked for the business card of one of the panel presenters today. This is a. big. concession. I also asked a question in a Q&A, talked to an editor at breakfast, exchanged business cards with another Y.A. writer, talked throughout the entire luncheon with both an older gentleman and an alum from my college, and asked questions after two classes.

Whew. So I have come out of today with two/three people to email and try keep in touch with. Eep!! o_0

However, insightful self-reflection can't erase my elitist tendencies.

I mean, people, you're writers. You CAN'T possibly think that you pronounce it JOHN-ruh. Genre, people, genre.

*snort* Writers. You love to hate them.

Write now:
What I'm listening to: Cell in the Sea by A Fine Frenzy
What I want most: an agent. lol.

Pennwriter's Day One

2010-05-14T09:58:00.000-07:00

My lips were chapped and burningly propelled me through the conference in search of relief. I also had coffee breath, and tried to avoid any contact within five feet of other attendees. For their own benefit.

So dry-lipped and sleep deprived, I navigated my way through maze-like hotel corridors and past clumps of women waiting for the restroom into ballroom- cum -classroom after classroom.

First on the agenda, travel writing. Informative, and thought-provoking after my finals-caused Serengeti of a brain. A few good tips, lengthy notes, a resource to follow up on, and the idea that full time travel writing might just be the career to pursue. Because, hello, who wouldn't want to get paid to travel?

Next, character motivation. At first I was hesitant, thinking "I know my characters!" but it was a good decision. First, the speaker was HILARIOUS. The entire class was in stiches the entire hour. And she used examples from the audience's WIP to illustrate her points, which I thought was a genius move. And I came away with a few little a-ha! moments about my WIP that will really help develop it.

Then lunch on our own, and my antics as I got lost in the north, south, and east directions before finally figuring out that I needed to go west to get to the grocery store. And my explorations of an industrial town set smack dab in the middle of Amish country. Rolling hills, red barns and cute white farmhourses, then a power plant and a paper factory. Very interesting place.

Then back to the conference for a conflict panel, which had to be one of the best classes I've ever had. Again, the classes are never about large neon sign secrets saying "Follow this and you will be published!!!!!!" but little epiphanies that allows you to salt in the memorable details. After this class, I really understand how to actually follow through with conflict and tension, rather than just creating one more dangerous situation after another. Really great class, and the speaker was really good. Tim Esaias teashes at Seton Hill, and I admit, it's kind of tempting to check into the MFA program there because of him.

Then a class on YA writing, with two realizations. One, I do really like YA, and it's what I truly want to pursue (not solely, but seriously). And two, a published author does not a good teacher make. And vice versa.

Then I went back to the room, and thinking about the stuff that Tim Esaias said about conflict, wrote what is probably one of my best scenes and probably will end up as part of the climax in my WIP. WAHOO!!! I'm really excited what today's strageties can help me do.

Well, actually, not straight back to the room. There might or might not have been a detor to the local (amazing!) mall to go buy a swimsuit so I could take advantage of my pool-side hotel room. But then, I admit nothing.

Write Now:
What I'm listening to:the TV-- Criminal Minds reruns! Wahoo!
What I wnt most: my room service to get here. Hazelnut encrusted salmon with raspberry glaze. YUM!

Have Roadster, Will Travel

2010-05-12T21:32:00.000-07:00

It's the night before the conference!! Well, actually, it's the night before my roadtrip to the conference. I'm driving five hours up to Lancaster, PA to attend the Pennwriter's Writer's Conference. But before you feel sorry for my numbed posterior, here's something you should know...

Secret: I love roadtrips.

I actually like driving five, six hours to go someplace. It doesn't feel as long to me as you might imagine. With my location on the East Coast, I can easily dash up to Richmond, D.C., Baltimore, or Philly. I can also scoot down to Durham (next week's conference!) or across state to Charlotte or anywhere I want to go. I really can go pretty much anywhere, and I try to follow through.

Since last summer I've put almost three thousand miles on my adorable Rosie Gambler, Roadster. I am determined to drive and drive and drive until I drive my car into the ground (because want else is it for? Girl's gotta go places.)

So! Agenda:
this weekend--Lancaster, PA
next weekend-- Durham, NC
following day-- Portland, OR (this will require a plane-- I'm not THAT addicted)
same week- heartland of Texas
following week-- home to California for month of June
month of July-- Prague creative writing summer school!!! And Russia!!!
month of August-- possibly travel for a week, then back to VA

Oh yeah. I gotta good summer. Good good summer.

Write now:
What I'm listening to: Panera diner music
What I want most: to get going!!

The Entire World says: headdesk

2010-05-06T00:01:00.000-07:00

Gah. Finals.

In response, bad magnetic poetry.

That is all.

Write... (do we care? do we? really, do we?)
What... (answer: no, we don't)

My Torrid Love Affair

2010-05-05T10:02:00.001-07:00

I am desperately, deeply, unshakably in love with Winston Weathers. And his theory of alternative grammar. Sadly, the book has been out of print for about 30 years, and therefore no link to the actual book. But my library had a copy, and. . .

It's a very passionate love. Very, very passionate. I'm very much in love.

So I thought I would share allllllll this love with you! *grin*

I can't seem to figure out how to embed .pdfs (anyone on Blogger? tips?) so I will have to give you link soup instead:

the review

my BAMF! 5 page essay
(and yes, I totally quoted the Shoebox Chronicles in my epitaph!)

my equally as BAMF! worksheet
(feel free to complete it haha)

Another handout from Humbolt University

ENJOY!!

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: KT Tunstall "Ashes"
What I want most: ice creammmmmmm

This is What I/We Do

2010-05-05T00:01:00.000-07:00

Finals time at my campus has a very peculiar cultural atmosphere. Somehow, once classes are over, all normal routine drains into the campus pond, and is eaten by either the troll under the bridge, or the gurgling whirlpool in the middle that I am convinced is Nessie blowing bubbles.

In any case, finals are like extended weekends, but without the pressure of trying-to-cram-in-as-much-fun-as-possible-in-two-piddly-days, but with the pressure of trying-to-cram-for-too-many-exams-and-I-really-should-be-studying-for-and-hey!-is-that- a-new-xkcd-comic?

Finals has the delightful prospect of being lawless yet with extreme deadlines.

So things like Wordle word clouds happen when avoiding a paper. Or magnetic poetry, same night, avoiding same paper.

For example, my lovely example of magnetic genius:

or that of TheatreProphet's (fellow co-conspirator in quiet hours wasting)

(and she even went one step further and alphabetized all the words, while I fought with Wordle. She also figured out how to get Wordle into a .jpg-- since I am sometimes blindingly helpless at technology-- so a big thanks to her!)

Yes, this is what we do at 11 pm at night in the library when no one else is around. *grins* In case you were wondering.

So now I am convinced that the only thing to do is create magnetic word poetry every night of finals! *bwahahahahahahaha*

I might even have to buy a set for my new apartment, and do a poem a day magnetic poetry! hahahaha

But we'll see, we'll see. I still have several finals to survive first.

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: Nothing. Roomie the Long Suffering One is studying. Shhhhhhh!
What I want most: no more finals?

I. Have. Conquered!

2010-05-04T00:02:00.000-07:00

WORDLE!!!

Wordle has been driving me crazy, for about the last six months or so, but I have finally got it Exactly. As I. Want.

So there, Wordle! Take that! Eh!

(Finals make me mature)

(Also, finals allow to spend endless hours putzing around on Wordle, instead of studying.)

(P.P.S. The poetry portfolio is taking up all my time. Must regulate, must regulate)

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: Zero 7
What I want most: new study music

"I" in Individualist Poetry

2010-05-03T12:44:00.000-07:00

Most of the poems that I write are in some way individualist; meaning the focus is on a single individual's experience of a situation. However, despite the use of "I" and "me" in these works, and despite some auto-biographical elements, these poems do NOT necessarily represent me or my feelings.

I remember a particular conversation that I had with my freshman roommate about a year ago. I was sharing some poems that I was submitting, and she stunned me by asking if I was truly that depressed. Depressed? I echoed back. Depressed? Where did you get that from? (I was, at time, although not on top of the world, at least very very happy to be where I was) She replied, From your poems.

My work from that day and from now may reflect an emotion that I experienced, but the narratives are never so cut and dried to say "Oh, that stemmed from this in my/her life."

I do like to write in this manner of individualist poetry. Poetry and creative writing are so subjective that addressing yourself to anything other than the individual seems a waste of time. I actually wrote a poem on this very topic!

I know that I was influenced on the use of "I" in poetry by my favorite poet Wislawa Szymborska. She was the first to really open me up to the wonders of poetry, and even now that I have read and been exposed to so much more poetry since "The Discovery," she remains the most beloved and the most influential.

Czeslaw Milosz, another famous Polish poet and Szymborska's mentor at university wrote in an essay called "Our Common Heritage: On Wislawa Szymborska" that

Szymborska's "I" is an ascetic "I," cleansed not only of the desire to confess, but of any individuating features, and yet it is linked to the "I" of all others who share in the human condition...

To explain this all better, I'll simply leave you with an example of Szymborska's poetry.

Under a Certain Little Star

My apologies to chance for calling it necessity. 
My apologies to necessity in case I'm mistaken. 
Don't be angry, happiness, that I take you for my own. 
May the dead forgive me that their memory's but a flicker. 
My apologies to time for the quantity of world overlooked per second. 
My apologies to an old love for treating a new one as the first. 
Forgive me, far-off wars, for carrying my flowers home. 
Forgive me, open wounds, for pricking my finger. 
My apologies for the minuet record, to those calling out from the abyss. 
My apologies to those in train stations for sleeping soundly at five in the morning. 
Pardon me, hounded hope, for laughing sometimes. 
Pardon me, deserts, for not rushing in with a spoonful of water. 
And you, O hawk, the same bird for years in the same cage, 
staring, motionless, always at the same spot, 
absolve me even if you happen to be stuffed. 
My apologies to the tree felled for four table legs. 
My apologies to large questions for small answers. 
Truth, do not pay me too much attention. 
Solemnity, be magnanimous toward me. 
Bear with me, O mystery of being, for pulling threads from your veil. 
Soul, don't blame me that I've got you so seldom. 
My apologies to everything that I can't be everywhere. 
My apologies to all for not knowing how to be every man and woman. 
I know that as long as I live nothing can excuse me, 
since I am my own obstacle. 
Do not hold it against me, O speech, that I borrow weighty words, 
and then labor to make them light.

It's That Time of Year

2010-04-29T18:23:00.000-07:00

The dread word.

Finals. (*shudder*)

At least I have the excuse of a poetry portfolio to prepare for to get in those hours of poetry fix. On the other hand, I have the excuse of a poetry portfolio to prepare for to screw away 5 hours or so. Uhhhhhh, I mean...

Ahem. Anyways.

So I have 40 or so poems to do a final revision on and get printed. But this is amongst my other papers and finals, so Time. Management. Is. Key.

Also, Internet. Use. Must. Be. Limited.

But I really dislike that last sentence. Right now, I'm so starved for outside stimulation to offset the pressures of studying one subject for hours on end that my normal internet routine is not cutting it.

So I'm opening it up to comments. Where do YOU go for intellectual stimulation and/or wonder? What writing rejuvenation do you find out there on the web? Is there any author whose you have a blog-crush on, and who never fails to make you feel better?

Restored to Life (Sorta)

2010-04-28T00:01:00.000-07:00

Life is still crazy. I am also still crazy and broken. But the Muse might be coming back to life (somewhat) and so in amazement and wonderment I thought I would post about what miracle created such an inspiring (half) spark.

Ekphrastic poems are based on art (usually paintings, but sometimes photographs and sculpture), and in my opinion, are as much to enhance the painting and understanding of both works than a description of the painting. The latter is reactionary, static, after the fact. The former, and the most successful examples of ekphrastic poems, all capture and further define the emotions of the artwork, drawing on and expanding them to encompass the meaning that the poet wants to convey. These poems are symbiotic, complementary, equally weighty and/or visionary.

We are doing this form in class at the moment, and I have been dreading doing my own because the examples of art available in class were to the professor's preferences-- landscapes, Impressionists, calender images. Beautiful, but nothing I want to write about.

So I put off writing my own (for homework).

But then the deadline came nigh, and I had to write SOMETHING, and frantically I Googled "paintings," resigned to another Van Gogh or Monet.

And I discovered Bonni Reid.

Organica, Egg Tempera and Oil on Panel, 16 x 20 inches, 2008

Bygone Beloved, Acrylic on Panel, 8 x 10 inches, 2008

Heart Stings, Egg Tempera and Oil on Panel, 10 x 13 inches, 2008

Ahhhhh, the Muse was happy with these.

Write Now:

What I'm listening to: More library. More finals. More sadness. More disturbing quiet.

What I want most: about two years, or three, or a lifetime, without Mother Nature. That would be nice. Reallllllllllly nice. Yep, yep.

Hibernation: Me, the Muse, and My Memory

2010-04-27T17:50:00.000-07:00

It's not winter, but the three M's of the post title seem to have forgotten (harhar!) that fact. Me? I'm in total reclusive mode because of the recently finished conference that I helped plan/coordinate/run at my campus, and haven't stirred from my bed (unless absolutely necessary; sometimes not even then) since it ended on Sunday. The Muse? Well, haven't heard from her in a while. She seems to be snuggled down in some cave, and everytime I activate the G.P.S. something happens and static washes across my monitor. And my memory...

Ah, my memory. I'm losing it-- totally, completely gone, and finals coming up next week.

NEXT WEEK!! Can you believe it? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! *tears out hair molecules by the root*

So many things to do. So many. Including back posting a couple of things, but really...

Voice of Reason: ... really, it ain't gonna happen, Shelly honey. Maybe it's okay to let a few things go....

Me: (*stubborn two year old*) No!

Voice of Reason: Shelly, honey, do you really think that you can handle all of finals while adding on low priority things like writing and blogging?

Me: LOW PRIORITY?!?!?!?!?!?!

Voice of Reason: (*exasperated*) I meant that relatively...

Me: Writing is my life! Writing is all I have! Finals mean nothing! Nothing! NUUUUUUUUUTHIN'!

Voice of Reason: (*exhausted*) You aren't going to be logical on this are you?\

Me: (*stubborn two year old*) No!

and so on and so forth.

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: Library!!! Finals!!! Madness!!! Shhhhhhhh!
What I want most: A Kahlua and hot stone massage. At the same time. Somewhere on the beach.

Chinese Takeout

2010-04-21T17:55:00.000-07:00

I is broken. Brain ... no brain.

No work.

No write.

No function.

.... hungry....... um. Nom nom nom.

Solution: Chinese takeout!!!!!!!!

<3

I will write an ode to Chinese takeout.

Chinese takeout saves the night! This is Shelly Holder, for Channel Broken News, signing off.

Write Now:
... oh, eff it.

Zee. Oh. Mm. Gee!!!

2010-04-19T19:46:00.000-07:00

This is me right now. I feel like Princess Extraordinaire. Or Queen of Everything. Goddess of All She Surveys. Empress of Every Living Thing.

Why, you ask?

Because the Paternal Voice just got me a plane ticket.

To Portland!!!

To see the Triple Mistresses of Authorial Awesomeness, Ilona Andrews, Lilith Saintcrow, and Devon Monk.

Zee. Oh. Mm. Gee!!!!!!

I wanna be Lilith Saintcrow (she inspired my blog). I wanna write like Ilona Andrews (she inspired.. well everything). And I wanna come up with plot twists like Devon Monk (she inspired one of my many WIPS and one of my favorite characters).

AND I'M MEETING ALL THREE!

*faints in overflowing joy*

See the pretty, pretty poster?

So me. Portland. Rain. Authors. Books.

Awesomeness.

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: "Send It Up" by Vertical Horizon
What I want most: to be in Portland!!!!

Avarious Gleam

2010-04-19T00:01:00.000-07:00

*Glint*

*Glint*

*Glint*

No, that's not the sunlight bouncing off my sunglasses, but rather the gleam of vice in my eyes. Coming from holding a Poet's Market 2010 in my hands.

Mine. MINE. My precccccccccccccccious.

I would add either a "*strokes lovingly*" or a *maniacal laugh: bwahahahahahaha*" here, but I DO want my readers to come back to the blog, and have promised to keep it in line. Somewhat.

I was happily gifted with the Poet's Market 2010, and have been equally as happily pouring over it since then. It's used, but since we're actually STILL in 2010 (unlike my first gifted Writer's Market 2002 back in 2004, but that's another story) I figured I could easily live with the highlighting. And I've been adding my own highlighting ever since.

I've mentioned before that I have become somewhat dissatisfied with my successes-- a horrible, ungrateful thing to say, but one full of hopeful ambition-- and have settled on my need to publish outside my local, campus magazines. They were a huge help in establishing my credit with myself and with the next stepping stone level, but now I do need to leap-frog to another, larger lilly. The Mandala Journal was a HUGE, miraculous increment. So I'm looking for others.

My poetry professor, who has been vital in the poet that I'm becoming, brought up in class the need to graduate beyond local publications. She very accurately said that a resume full of the same journals, all from the same town, actually discredits you rather than viably building a reputation. Being in this very painful position, I asked the question "When are you ready to submit to prestigious magazines? How do you know?"

Now, I don't remember what she said, but I believe it's along the same lines as my personal answer:

You're never ready. You'll never know. You'll just feel that you HAVE to.

One of the hardest things to submit to as a writer is the insubstantial nature of it all. We're in a subjective field, based on 10% technique, 40% personal opinion, and 50% experience. Even as the writer, sometimes we have no clue what we just did or why we did it. The Muse, as much as I playfully personify her here, is in my belief INSTINCT followed by a shooter of INSPIRATION (which could be argued as nothing more than internalized, instinctual knowledge based on experience observation and perception.) So being able to vocalize 1) why I'm dissatisfied, 2) what I need to change, and 3) why I need to change is hard enough, without taking on the new conviction that I need to expand professionally without sounding a) conceited, b) arrogant, or c) delusional. Or any combination thereof.

I'm not able to. I'll never be able to. I just fell that I HAVE to.

And I'm willing to live with that. So I'm off to highlight some more.

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: "All the Things She Said" by T.A.T.U.
What I want most: bookcases!!!!!! =)

Openings and Voice

2010-04-16T21:35:00.001-07:00

I have recently been trying to type up all my random scraps of paper in anticipation for The Big Move over to the new apartment-- with it's lovely lovely bookcases and heart-stopping file cabinets-- so I don't just transfer my crap from one location to another but actually DEAL WITH IT.

It's a process. I am currently losing.

But what struck me as I was typing up another fiction WIP is that my openings have become remarkably similar. Compare this paragraph, written 10 months ago:

Romeo clicked the refresh button, and waited for a new case to appear on the browser. It didn't, so she clicked again. Nope. Still nothing. So far, she had clicked forty-eight times in the last sixty seconds, but she was determined to continue clicking until she hit either something worthwhile or her lunch break. She would prove to the chief that her division, her degree, and her job, and the new division of Forensic Magics were all worthwhile. And so she clicked again. Forty-nine, fifty…

with this, written a week ago:

As soon as he walked into the parlor, I might have thrown myself at my lover with a wild, glomping kiss and stayed there suctioned on like some unattractive sea creature.

Just might have, mind. I admit to nothing in particular.

Needless to say, I was not experienced in this department. I was rather inexperienced in most things-- alright! completely inexperienced, if you must know!-- but romance was my most pressing deficiency. My lover did not excel either, unfortunately, but for entirely different reasons. He peeled me off, and then proceeded to peel off his gloves with the same economy of motion-- and emotion.

and this, written two days ago:

I thought friends' boyfriends were safe. That was my trouble. I thought since they were so obviously taken -- dating my best friends for goodness' sake!-- then a friendship with them wouldn't be misconstrued. Joking, teasing, etc wouldn't be seen as flirting and simple happiness to be around them wouldn't be seen as anything more serious. But I was idealistic, and that was my trouble.

I find it intriguing that I used a dash to indicate a interjected thought in the opening paragraph of two recent works, when ten months ago I was doing nothing of the kind. Although my fragments are a very integral part of my writing style, the dash trick is new. I wonder, if I tried to sell both, would one or both of my stories get rejected because they are TOO similar?

But that's a low priority. First, I need to finish both of these-- or rather, all three of these. Then I worry about sending them out and publication and rejection and all the strategies that plague too much of my time.

For now, I'm just focusing on finishing. And developing my "voice."

What trends do you see emerging in your recent work?

Write Now:
What I'm listening to: "She's Trouble" by Frou Frou
What I want most: snacks!

It's Out!!!!

2010-04-15T18:49:00.000-07:00

It's here!

Yesterday was the release of Mandala Journal's first online publication, and includes yours truly!

I am reading through the contributor's biographies, and I'm humbled and elated to be included among professional writers.

So head on over, and take a look at my poetry, as well as many other fine works!

Aliens and Other Things

2010-04-14T21:23:00.000-07:00

Not real aliens. Just *things* are taking over my brain, and since they're unnatural, we might as well call them aliens.

Right? Right.

*Things*:

-The very cool radio show that I was on yesterday (for unrelated, school stuff). I try to keep pretty anonymous here on the blog (despite having my name blazoned across everything) meaning no photos, no proper names of other people, no city names, no campus name, etc etc etc. But! if you have the burning desire to hear me speak you can find the two part segment here and here. Sadly, my voice is more attractive than I am.

- Proposals. Again, sadly, the unattractive kind- namely, for an independent study course. Fun (in it's own, sadistic way) but in legalize. Or rather, academia.

-Personal milestones. Like getting my first apartment!!! (With Roomie the Long Suffering One and MlleDiabolique -- who I suppose now inherits the secondary title of Long Suffering Roomie #2) VERY exciting stuff, including bookcases (bookcases!) filling cabinets (filling cabinets!) organizing drawers (organizing!) and bento boxes (bentos!) as well as decorating (decorating!) and more decorating (decorating!). But it's a HUGE timesuck (slurp!). So my last few days... yeah, what happened to the last few days?

-Volunteering. Today, actually. Good, but less time for blogging and/or homework.

-Finals! Bah, humbug.

So, little mental space for writing, even if I know theoretically that there is the physical time for it somewhere (theoretically).

So to fulfill the "writing" part of this blog, I give you the only 12 and 1/2 writing rules you'll ever need, and the ones that currently reside above my desk (along with the homemade "Abandon Logic, Just Write" sign). If there turns out to be wall space in my new bedroom (I doubt it, bookshelves take precedence over posters) I may buy the real glossy sheet, instead of the out-of-focus version I have now.

But first, bookcases.

Tricking the Muse

2010-04-13T17:17:00.000-07:00

Today, let's talk fun things.

Namely: fiction, and tricking Madam Mocking Muse.

Sometimes when you get going on that recent burst of inspiration, the smallest thing can snap you abruptly out of you creativity. Any hesitation over that small detail not readily to hand, and poof! All gone.

So when I write, I trick the Muse.

I don't write.

Actually, what I mean is that I don't write down what's bothering me, and skip over it to continue with the next word. If you are confused, don't worry. Let's use some practical illustrations. This is a excerpt from my newest W.I.P. (work-in-progress) a Regency novella tentatively titled "Admit Nothing":

...but in the country where eligible single men only dot the landscape like (----------), one had to do with what one had.

See the dashes? See the big gaping hole where the rest of my metaphor should exist? Yes, see it? See it?

Yeah, that's been my biggest pet peeve for the past week and a half. HOWEVER, while I may be hung up on the wording NOW, the first time I started furiously scribbling, I left the dashes and just continued. And I got an additional four pages after this paragraph, all because I didn't stop to ponder what specific word I need. If I had, I would have lost my train of creation (that's a good one, can I copyright that?) and I would have been stuck with only four lines and a great deal of frustration.

Let's see another example:

He continued. "Mother wishes to remind you of our dinner on Thursday. Pray watch your tongue this time. She was rather horrified at your talk of - of ---"

"(---------)," I said.

Lorimer stared at me for a few moments. "Yes. Those."

I opened my mouth to ... well, I'm not sure what I hoped to say, but instead I gently shut it again. What was there to say? Proper Young Ladies did not have an interest in (--------). Mrs. Paddingtow was hardly the first to notice my eccentricities,but she was certainly Society's staunchest voice reminding me of them.

This time, I'm hung up on research. I've decided my book is set in Georgian/ Regency times, most likely 1810 because I've mentioned Beau Brummel as still coming into power. Now, what in 1810 happened that young ladies are traditionally not supposed to know about? I thought mathematics, but wanted something a little more shocking. Perhaps some advancement in anatomy, so I can have a discussion about dissection at the dinner party (say that five times fast). And body parts would have been a definite no-no. But I haven't found what advances in medicine/ anatomy happened in 1810, and so the dashes will have to remain for a few weeks more.

Again, however, if I allowed myself to get sucked into the vortex of research (and it's a big, gaping black hole of a vortex) I would never be able to resurface and catch the train of creation. Putting the dashes in allowed me to finished out the chapter and proceed onto chapter two. A very definite benefit.

In both cases, if I had allowed the distraction to take precedence over the train of creation, I would have lost the inspiration driving me. By not writing, conversely, I was more productive. And I know from using this trick enough times that it truly does work on Madam Mocking Muse. She doesn't know it, but in such instances, it's me allowing her full reign, rather than her taking over.

But shhhhh!!! Don't say things like that too loudly. We've all got to keep the Muses in line somehow, by trick or by treat.

I'm leading mine off for a nice healthy helping of Google Reader.

Right Now:

What I'm listening to: Pandora Radio channel Imogen Heap

What I want most: sleep! And it's only 8. *headdesk*

DWT Poetry Competition

2010-04-07T00:01:00.000-07:00

So I got an email yesterday that said:

Hi there, and thanks for participating in the DWT Poetry Competition.
Your poem went live today. You can see it here: http://www.dailywritingtips.com/dwt-poetry-competition-eleventh-round/

Me: *blink, blink.* OH right!.......

So I entered this poetry contest. I didn't realize that the winner is chosen by popular vote, but as it is, you should go over to DWT and scroll through the poems and vote for your favorite.

Not that I'm hinting at anything. I admit to nothing. But I might have (generously, against my baser nature and first inclination) voted for someone else, which redirected me to the results of the poll, and saw that my own humble work got no votes. At all.

Ah, well. It was not the best fit in the world. poem and contest, and I probably should have sent something else in. Again, my fault for not doing better research beforehand. I might also have been overly wordy. Not exactly lyric. I haven't revised that poem in a while, and it might be due for a little tune up in the Ye Olde Poem Repair Shoppe.

In other news-- I joined Read Write Poem, a sub-group of NaNaWriMo for the National Poem Writing Month (that is, April). I haven't really done anything for April/ NaPoWriMo (argh! too many acronyms) but I'm trying to take advantage of the prompt-a-day so that I can build up my reservoir of poems again. I am depleted, and I am currently just waiting (waiting, waiting, waiting) to get my rejections so I can send them back out again.

Stupid life, that. Therefore, ONWARD! More poems! More writing! More! More! More!

... oh right. Burnout.

Gasp! I said the word. I think I might be suffering from a touch of burnout. So I'm using the prompts and other ways to force myself to write. And I'm trying to focus on fiction, because I have no self-imposed publishing goals, and there is not the same kind of pressure. But I may think seriously about backing off from poetry and switching to fiction (seriously) for a while. We'll see.

I don't know. It's all in a muddle, and my head just hurts, and I'm in the mood where I just want to curl up with a book and do NOTHING.

Oh right. I did that yesterday. And the day before. And likely will do again today. Trips to the library are bad.

Random Whimsy

2010-04-06T01:57:00.000-07:00

Realization #1: I am made for long term goals. I have one now. It is awesome. Someday in the next three years, you might hear about it. (*snicker*)

Realization #2: Fiction makes me happy. I finished 1000 words last night, and I feel accomplished! And excited.

Realization #3: I had a small epiphany. Some established writer whom I can't recall from a blog I can't name said that the most important thing for an upcoming writer is to finish something, and that will put you ahead of everyone else. I am going to finish something.

Realization #4: I was made to be the chatelaine of some estate, mainly because I have an obsession with High Tea and a disdain for Meaningful Employment (other than writing.) If I could lurk around in a parlor at a writing desk with ink-stained fingertips all day, I would. Because I also have a thing for fountain pens.

But I don't feel like talking about writing today. So for your amusement, a list of random whimsical things that I stole from another blog, which stole it from another blog, which modified (stole) it from another blog...

If I could be a month, I’d be September.

If I could be a day of the week, I’d be Saturday.

If I could be a time of day, I’d be 8 pm.

If I could be a planet, I’d be Earth.

If I could be a sea animal, I’d be an mermaid.

If I could be a direction, I’d be north.

If I could be a piece of furniture, I’d be a secretary desk.

If I could be a liquid, I’d be rain.

If I could be a gemstone, I’d be fire opal.

If I could be a tree, I’d be a weeping willow.

If I could be a tool, I’d be a typewriter.

If I could be a flower, I’d be a night blooming cerius . (all credit goes to J.B. whose photo is this is, and whose blog is where I first saw such a lovely flower, and fell in love with it. Many thanks and apologies!)

If I could be a kind of weather, I’d be grey clouds.

If I could be a musical instrument, I’d be a harpiscord.

If I could be a color, I’d be azure blue.

If I could be an emotion, I’d be accepting.

If I could be a fruit, I’d be a kiwi.

If I could be a sound, I’d be the wind in the leaves at my feet.

If I could be an element, I’d be water.

If I could be a car, I’d be a TC Scion (black with red spokes).

If I could be a taste, I’d be savoury (like a bite of pear and cheese on cracker).

If I could be an object, I’d be Victorian steamer trunk.

If I could be a pair of shoes, I’d be high-heeled boots.

Right Now:
What I'm listening to: "Rebel Prince" by Rufus Wainwright
What I want most: to move in to the new apartment now

Fascination

2010-04-05T03:42:00.000-07:00

I had a conversation with The Maternal Figure the other day about the books I read as a child, when I read such and such series, when I moved on to such and such author, when I fell in love with such and such book. It rather saddens me that I have no clue when I read Pride and Prejudice for the first time, or when it officially became my favorite book. I have no need for dates like that-- there's no real world applications other than having interesting tidbits to whip out at cocktail parties or on a blog. However, I've always had a fascination for what I will call The Chronology of a Writer. When I was younger (no exact date, but maybe 9/10/11/12?) I thought the coolest thing that I could do in my life would be to invent a software program that tracked the changes an author made to a manuscript.
I had it all planned out. The device would be similar to a tablet or PDA, with a touch screen and a stylus. I would approach various famous authors, and ask them to use this program for a loan period of 2 months or so. Anything they write would be theirs, of course, but I would get permission to print the chronology of the work in a magazine, much like an interview. And it would show the progression from the blank page to the fully finished book/poem/short story.
Later, in high school, I was discover that Norton Anthologies had similar sections in their appendixes, and that library kept early copies of famous works. Still, the idea of being to visually track the changes-- like a slow-mo version of the video game demos, where Mario jumps the mushrooms and grabs the coins, over and over and over again on endless repeat-- was enticing. Not *just* a static comparison where many mental changes have resulted in a few written ones, but the actual progression of the author's mind. How many second between writing words, how many times each word is crossed out, the pressure of the stylus on the screen, the flipping back and forth between words that ends up with the original one anyways. That sort of over-detailed analysis fascinates me.

Which is one of the reasons that I think I love Goodreads so much. I can add not only what books I read, but WHEN I started them, when I finished then, and what I thought along the way. I may not be able to remember when I switched from picture books to chapter books, or when I moved from the kid's section to general fiction, but at least now I know a few more things about my reading habits.

It also explains my extraordinary Excel submissions tracking worksheet. I have date created, date finished, date modified, date submitted, and date accepted/rejected/modified/re-submitted.

I have a thing for details.

Maybe someday I will become friends with a computer programmer, and we can make my software fascination a reality.

Right Now:
What I'm listening to: Nothing. Headache.
What I want most: More books. Bad Shelly! Read what you have first.

Feel Good Friday

2010-04-02T20:29:00.000-07:00

I've decided to join the girl next door grows up and J.B. in "Feel Good Friday" (thanks for the link!) It's been a rough week- couple of big rejections- but I'm NOT focusing on those. So the five things that made me REALLY happy this week:

1) "Hear Haiti" Writers night: I went with my dear friends MlleDiabolique and Mistress of Anthropology Doom, and there was a slide show with pictures and background music, along with yummy yummy Haitian food. I've never had plantains, and I finally got to try some! There was curry chicken, rice and beans, cabbage, and potatoes. And plantains, of course. And homemade ginger beer, but it was STRONG, and I admit I was sadly unable to drink the whole glass. AnthropologistFAIL. And the writers were great. I'll have to look some of them up (I didn't grab a program!), although I need to work on my French a little bit first.

Oh, yeah! I got to take home a whole plate with me as well! So Haitian food for two nights!

2) I rediscovered Mary Stewart. I went to the library recently with Roomie the Long Suffering One, and found her among the shelves. I started reading Stewart in my childhood, maybe 11/12/13, so finding her was like comfort food, chicken noodle soup for the bibliophile, crawling right back into the warmth of a security blanket. It was great. I found 3 new titles that I never read before (Thornwyld, Rose Cottage, and The Ivy Tree) and now that I've finished all three (in two days!!!) I've have to hunt down the only three remaining titles that I have not yet read (Touch Not the Cat, The Wind Above Small Isles, and the Storm Petrels.) Also, what does it say about me that my formative years were spent reading gothic romances?

3) I love Disappointed Realist's piano compositions. I'm obsessed with the one "another untitled piece"-- something about it makes me feel like a Jane Austen heroine. Like when Keira Knightley is standing on top of the cliff in the 2005 version (I geekily know all the release dates of Jane Austen movies. I was having a phone conversation with The Maternal Figure earlier, and whipped out the release dates of Sense and Sensibility (1995) and Emma (1996) from nowhere- and they are HER favorite movies, not even mine. I have no clue how I know this, but I do. I also know that there are three previous versions of P&P before the K.K. one- 1940, with Laurence Olivier and Greer Garson and written by Aldous Huxley; 1980 with Elizabeth Garvie; and 1996 with Colin Firth. Yes, I own all 4. Yes, I know all the release dates.) Point being, I love his work.

4) I love libraries. Love, love, love. I came back with 3 Mary Stewarts, one book on the Algerian War of Independence (A Savage War of Peace), one on the FBI high-tech crime unit (Who Killed Precious?), one on forensic investigators (No Stone Unturned), one on a park ranger (Nature Noir), two on Japanese detective fiction (Murder Most Modern and Purloined Letters) and one on Japanese literary feminists (The Bluestockings of Japan) and one on American poet H.D. (Collected Poems, 1912-1944). My tastes are... eclectic, to say the least.

5) I am writing fiction again. Poetry is not, I must remind myself, my only talent.

Right now:
What I'm listening to: "another untitled piece" by Disappointed Realist
What I want most: the other Mary Stewart books. Library tomorrow it is.

Hilarious, To-Die-For April Fool's Joke!!!

2010-04-01T21:16:00.000-07:00

I have nothing funny to say. Got you! Happy April Fool's.

Therefore, link soup.

Humor:
1) Yo Brando!
2) Mind over Mullis

Writing:
1) SheWrites
2) Duotrope
3) Everyday Poets
4) Wislawa Szymborska (especially this essay)

Random:
1) A Softer World
2) Modcloth
3) Apple, Meet Steampunk

Sheep (Baaaaaaaaaa!)
1) I now have a formspring

Absolute Death:
1) Still 51 whole days until Ilona Andrew's new book comes out! (*death, death death*)

Right Now:
What I'm listening to: "Break Your Heart"

Cry.Weep.Wail.

2010-03-31T22:28:00.000-07:00

People-- I WANT this library. WANT WANT WANT WANT.

Now, how to get it? (*lesigh*)

I always knew that I would never make money being a writer, but seeing a library like that always causes regrets. And sometimes, I might even--gasp!-- rue switching from a business major my freshman year.

But not for long. I think the current personal record of longest regret is holding steady at 2.5 nanoseconds.

Still. STILL. That is a BAMF library.

I shall have to get REAL creative with my writing royalties. The, ahem *coughcough*, futureforthcomingones. You know, those. The ones that I'll get after ~~selling~~ ~~finding an agent for pitching~~ ~~finishing~~ writing my first novel.

Yeah, those.

Right Now:
What I'm listening to: People in Planes "Pretty Buidings"
What I want most: a super duper awesome library with room for ALL my books

Ironic: My Blog and Magazines

2010-03-26T15:48:00.000-07:00

It seems that the universe is able to smash in with massive irony every time I get a little bit excited about a new project. My Sekret Poetry Blog just started on Monday, and already I have reason to rue my decision. Yesterday I posted on how I was feeling insecure about my writing at the local level. I have decided that the main issue is that I am only getting published at the student level-- and worse, only at the local student level (read: campus magazines). These magazines were truly beneficial to me. I got published when I was starting out, I got confidence when I felt none, and I got established as a writer when I had little claim to the name. Now, however, I have reached the point when student publications cannot offer me anything. So I am moving on. I am now seeking undergraduate journals (these are different because they are run by the English department of the affiliated school, and is reviewed by the professors/professionals to some degree)

And I have done so. I have found two new venues that fit me very well. Both seem to publish my sort of poetry, and I feel that the match would be a good one. So I have been going through my work, picking out pieces to submit. But I have come up against a contract that highlights a very important issue that I, personally, and other bloggers need to be aware of:

Any work that has been posted on a blog, even a personal one, is considered "published" and is not acceptable for use.

This, in terms of my poetry blog, is a very important thing to consider. I really like several pieces, and would like to submit them. For these two venues (Poetry, and Everyday Poets) however, this is not an option. Somewhere else, these poems would still be viable, but one does have to be careful now that definition of publication is changing in the internet world.

I have been lucky in that I never publish anything to my public blog, and rarely to the personal blog. Everything I have, has gone to a publication that does not include similar restrictions in their contracts.

My private poetry blog, however, is now another story. I still use it, because it gives me a freedom and universality when a notebook is not always available, but I am consciously more careful of how I use it. My writing has definitely dropped off. I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing. I might have more things available for publication, but I'm also NOT WRITING.

And we all know which one is more important in the long run.

Right Now:
What I'm listening to: "Just for Now" by Imogen Heap
What I want most: poetry prompts! Send me some? =)

My Dilemma

2010-03-25T09:57:00.000-07:00

I have a thought that has been bothering me for days, and subjects me alternatively to guilt, shame, unease, unhappiness, and discontent.

I love being published. But the rapid return in publishing that I have seen in the last six months-- in the last six WEEKS- makes me wonder.

Am I just whoring myself out?

I get published, yes. And one can argue that any published work is better than no work at all. However, when I get three poems all accepted to the same magazine, is that real publication? ESPECIALLY when a "filler" poem got accepted? I have taken the Paternal Voice's advice to always submit the maximum amount, because it truly does make statistical sense, and have been sending off batches of 4 or 5 or 6 poems with the understanding that not all of the poems will exactly fit the venue, and with the understanding that one, if any, of the poems will be seriously considered for publication. Even less will actually be published.

So I suddenly get published, boom boom boom, and I am left in the dark, on my back, wondering if I have just been used. Could I have done better? Was this the wisest choice? There is that flavor of shame and regret that accompanies bad life decisions that lingers in my mouth.

I don't know. I don't know what IS the best move. Poetry publication is very different than book/novel publishing. I somewhat understand that sort of industry from Writer's Digest and The Writer (which tend to focus on longer pieces), but I admit that I have not yet come to understand the strategy behind the poetry publication industry.

So, what IS it that I should do? Should I continue to publish, or should I hold my work in reserve, trying to find the "ideal" market that I'm not sure even exists? I don't know.

For now, all I can do is write. And ask around for the opinions of other writers and professionals that have come up against this issue before. So chime in. I'd love to know what you think, and how you dealt with this yourself.

Right now:
What I'm listening to: poetry.
What I want most: good advice.

Incurable

2010-03-23T20:48:00.000-07:00

BLAHHHHHHHHHH!

So. Post. Thinking. Yes. Thinking is good.

Um, writing. Posting about writing. Writing... writing is... writing is...

is...

....

Post was not planned.

Usually I have a general preconception of what I want to talk about, and I think I had one for today, except, well-- I forgot it. So now, scrambled brain. Rambling post.

General Updates: More poems out. More poems written. SheWrites is generally BAMF. Academia today was pretty much BAMF. My downloading program is NOT! b.a.m.f. so I have over 5 hours to wait for my copy of Kuch Naa Kaho (one of my favorite bollywood films ever. I have a thing for Aishwarya Rai, just the same as I have a thing for Angelina Jolie... nobody else seems to like them, but I adore both. In some ways, I view them very similarly.)

Um, videos. We might as well talk about videos. These are some of my favorite movies, in no particular order:

1) The Invisible (alright well this one does happen to be my #1 favorite)
2) Mansfield Park
3) Sahara
4) Atlantis
5) Kuch Naa Kaho
6) North and South (no it's not a FILM, per se, but I count it anyways)
7) The Secret Garden
8) Hackers
9) Pride and Prejudice
10) You've Got Mail

There are others, but these come easiest to mind. And you know the strongest trend among all of these movies? Strong central romantic relationship.

*Foreheadslap*

I have turned out to be an incurable subconscious romantic. Lord help me now, I cannot preserve my cynical facade without strong binding glue and some metallic glue.

Right Now:
What I'm listening to: "Kuch Naa Kaho" title track
What I want most: this stupid movie to download faster!!!!!!.....

Secrets of a Young Author

2010-03-22T01:36:00.000-07:00

I have a secret.

Well, not really a secret, since I'm sharing all here, but a secret in the sense that it's MINE. (I tend towards the possessive, obsessive, and territorial. I would have made an excellent werewolf. *snicker*)

Anyways, I have a blog. Well, another blog I mean. (No comments necessary.) But this one is completely private, not accessible, not readable, not search-able, not anything. It's mine. All mine.

I have public blogs, and I have a personal blog, but I realized that I need to fill another gap in my writing-the private blog. One, for all the writing that should never see the light of day, and one for all the uncharitable thoughts that should never see the light of day. A diary drives me nuts because I can't achieve symmetry in the format- I either write once a day, or nothing. But of course emotions can pounce two or three or four times in a single hour. What kind of titles am I supposed to use? Tuesday 3:14 pm, Tuesday 3:17 pm, Tuesday 5:36 pm, Tuesday 11:01 pm?

Spastic. I can't stand it!

A BLOG, however. A blog I can title by theme, and there's no worry about the division of pages per entry, per day, etc. I can also enter one liner complaints, irritations, news, updates, and my-cup-over-runneth moments without being subconscious. I can be completely free!!! in a way that somehow paper never let me be. (I know, funny words for a writer, but work with my idiosyncrasies.)

So! I can't invite you all to read either of my private blogs, and if you don't know me, you can't read my personal blog either, but I do encourage you all to adopt similar methods. Or whatever gets you writing.

What do you do to be FREE in your writing?

Right now:
What I'm listening to: Nuthin
What I want most: an electrical outlet! No battery!!

I'm Not that Kind of Girl

2010-03-19T12:19:00.000-07:00

So today I got published twice.

One was a poem ("Diaspora") that was accepted by the Mandala Journal, an online student-run multicultural journal for poets, writers, artists, and thinkers published by the Institute for African American Studies at The University of Georgia. My poem will be released in a themed journal 2009-2010 issue, "Cosmopolitanism," will launch in the new online format on April 14, 2010.

Very, very exciting news. "Diaspora" just happens to be the first poem that I ever wrote under the tutelage of the poetry professor that I consider to be my mentor, and I'm pleased by the symmetry that it is also the first poem accepted by a journal with more weighty reputation than my campus publications. To make it clear, I in no way undervalue these publications. They have gotten me published, established my resume, and provided a foundation for my career and reputation. In those terms, the magazines are invaluable. On the other hand, these are student run publications, and in some ways reflect that. It is peer-reviewed, but not colleague-reviewed, if that difference makes any sense. We are all student authors trying to get started, and not professionals as yet.

I will likely post on this topic again, but moving on for now.

The other publication for today is an article in my campus newspaper. Again, I am truly glad that I got
published. The experience is always good, of course, life values gained, etc etc etc.

And it's a good article, it's just not ...mine.

I'm very obviously a very green newbie at journalism. I've somehow been infected with the idea, and have pursued opportunities in journalism on and off for the past six months. None of them really worked out, so I was excited by the opportunity presented in writing this article. I was finally writing! I was going to get published! I was going to find my niche, move to New York, and win the Pulitzer within the next ten years!

Well, you know this story.

I genuinely like interviewing people. I like thinking of questions, and I would be willing to continue that sort of journalism. But feature stories, articles, are something different.

There are rules to articles-- at least three quotable individuals, none of which you know personally (and on a campus this size, it's inevitable that you know at least one of the parties, if not all). You have to have a specific outline- hook, summary, quote, paragraph, quote, paragraph, quote, paragraph, etc etc, concluding quote. You, the writer, cannot appear at all in the course of the articles. So humor is out. So are opinions.

All of these things are just formulas that grow easier with experience and exposure. I could *possibly* grow to like them if I had a little more guidance and extended deadlines. But journalism is of course is about providing current and breaking news, so deadlines means 48 hours or less turnover.

Writing all of this, I realize that my dislike for journalism is more about my first experience, rather than journalism itself. I probably will never catch on fire for it (too dry, though that does NOT mean I think it lacking in creativity. It's just a different creative gene that didn't present dominantly in my microscopic makeup).

See, I got edited.

Editors are there for a reason. I need them, and I needed my editors for the article-- again, I'm the newbie, and I made some rather large boo-boos (namely, the humor and opinions mentioned earlier.) My editors are wonderful people, and had only intended to help me, the newbie, out. And the resulting article is much better... in terms of journalism. I also wrote only about 15% of what got printed. Under my name.

So when potential employers look at my resume and say, "Blah, blah, blah was a good article- how did you come up with the angle you took?" I have to say

"I didn't."

When students and friends and faculty look at the newspaper today, they'll see my work and judge ME on it. Maybe they didn't like the structure of X sentence in Y paragraph. They'll think "Did she really think that was okay?"

I didn't. I didn't write that entire paragraph. Or the one following.

And the professor that I interviewed. What is she going to think about my article? There's always the risk of offending your principle subject, and I knew I was running that risk the moment I started writing. But if I run that risk, I wanted to undertake it WITH MY OWN WORDS. Then, if I get called on it later, I can defend myself. "This was my thinking, this was my motivation, this was my intention, this was the expected outcome." And then we can resolve it, or not. But it will all be under my OWN words.

Words are my business. I live by them. I eat by them. I pay bills, get new jobs, pay more bills by them. When I die, I will be known only by the words I leave behind. When someone takes away my words, what am I left with?

I can't let someone take away the only thing that makes me ME.

I'm not that kind of girl.

Right Now:
What I'm listening to: overhead speaker music at B&N
What I want most: No school Monday?

Writing Deadline Agonies

2010-03-18T19:43:00.000-07:00

I. AM. NOT. MADE. OF. STONE. DAMMIT.

Checklist.Schedule.Deadlines.

2010-03-17T20:36:00.000-07:00

TURNED IN:

1) Concrete poem generation software (Adobe Illustrator CS4) funding application

2) First piece of journalism ever written turned in by deadline

3) Campus literary magazine pieces submitted

4) Revised essay for class.

FINISHED:

1) Campus literary award piece written and printed. Will submit first thing tomorrow.

TO-DO:

1) Study abroad scholarship (due Saturday. Progress 15%)

PIECE OF IDIOCY THAT I AGREED TO:

1) Research grant (due Friday. Progress 0%)

Finding out that you have too many writing deadlines in one week?

Primal Goo.

Right Now:

What I'm listening to: Glittering Cloud by Imogen heap

What I want most: to write like Sherman Alexie

Poor Substitution

2010-03-16T22:21:00.000-07:00

It's a poor bit of substitution, but I have no thoughts left. To many deadlines. So very very many deadlines. None of them homework. Why do I do this to myself? Oh, yeah, research grant. Thoughts of research grant, research grant...

So enjoy my ROD#13 entry. It was based a picture of an abandoned hospital, but looked like a Victorian house in ruins. I didn't want to go the Jane Eyre route, but the classical literature motif stuck in head regardless. So can you pick up on the other famous book that I used as my allusion?

*****

          My bit of earth was extraordinary in the summer. The trees blossomed, and everything was so green, so wick. There were roses, fountains of them, but most importantly…

         Colin! COLIN!

        My eyes watered as I saw his form stand up from his chair, strong and straight. He smiled crookedly at me as he took that first proud step towards me.

        I raised my arms and rushed at my friend, my beloved. When I caught him, my arms clenched so tightly around his torso. At the sound of his heartbeat, I choked up…

… and sobbed out the taste of sulfur.

       “No!” I cried. I looked up. Colin’s smile stretched, protruded razor teeth and black gums. His blue eyes were pierced by bloodlight pinpricks that grew and spilled over the irises and into the whites.

“No!”

        I jerked away. The garden withered again before my eyes, the roses falling, the ivy browning, leaves dropping. I heard a thousand poppings, and whirled to find the manor windows cracked and missing panes of glass. The massive front door sagged in on itself, and fell.

“Colin…”

“Ahahahaha!” the devil laughed victoriously. “Well, Miss Mary? How do you like my work? Memory can be one HELL of an illusion, huh? Ahahahaha!”

“Colin…”

But my Colin had died centuries ago, and my secret garden was no longer mine. I was alone once again. And I had caused all this rottenness myself.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
how does your garden grow?
In seven hells and human skulls,
and torments all in a row!

Right Now:

What I'm listening to: "Candlelight" by Imogen Heap

What I want most: food

AGONNNNNIES!!!

2010-03-16T17:44:00.000-07:00

So many writing deadlines! So many writing deadlines! So I will just give you the new logo that I designed for the hypothetical website template that I will gradually shift the blog and my website into. Someday.

Someday.

Right Now:
What I'm listening to: shhhhhhh! I'm in the library
What I want most: to finish this article, and that paper, and that essay, oh! and that essay too, and, and, and, and ....

I Found! I Create! I Post!

2010-03-15T23:01:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the new look of Agonies!

I dreadfully ripped this idea off Ilona Andrews, who posts similarly formatted hilariousness. Only, she's an adorable wolf, with the equally adorable Lord Panda, and I'm just Young Author (the caricature company wouldn't let me be a pink snow leopard. Something about "laws of nature" or similar legal jargon.)

Anyways.

At least I found them, and made a fairly reputable repertoire of personalized emoticons. Mainly because I wanted to use the word "emoticon" in a post.

So enjoy! Have fun predicting what delights will show up on this blog next! And, always, always, remember...

(Insert pithy motto here.)

Right Now:
What I'm listening to: "Cloud Nine" by Evanenesence
What I want most right now: a pink snow leopard with purple spots and green green eyes. (Darn you Lisa Frank for infecting my childhood with LCD.)

Saturday Special!

2010-03-13T23:55:00.000-08:00

Conference Part Two:

It's a special Saturday post, mainly because I dislike the symmetry of posting this on Monday. It ruins my schedule worse than a Saturday post does.

Well, my neck is NOT better. It fact, last night was probably the WORST night sleep I have ever gotten. And that, Gentle Readers, is SAYING SOMETHING.

Therefore, I made the executive decision to miss the meet & greet coffee, mainly because I'm not at the networking stage in my career and somewhat because I am picky about my coffee. I also missed the keynote speaker, because I heard him the night before. But this time, I knew exactly where I was going, so I drove to the parking lot in front of the exact building and went straight to the conference.

Of course, this is me, so the workshop was not in the main building, but in another, and I was graciously escorted to my workshop door. Late.

But someone walked in right before me, so maybe I blended into the "Delinquent Poet" crowd.

In any case, the workshop leader was stellar. I would be them when I grow up, except it was a man, and I heard those are hard to raise.

But Temple Cone... so funny. He teaches poetry at a military base... I have no clue how you manage that one, but I'm thinking about studying abroad in Annapolis now. Heh, heh.

The first session was good, with small nuggets and semi-precious stones, but the second workshop... the second workshop. I have ideas spewing out of my ears right about now.

A bonus! In honor of the special Saturday post. The humble poem that I came up with as a variation poem on W.C. Williams' "This is Just to Say":

"Sisters: Variations on Variations on Williams and Koch"

I took your new black Gucci dress
without asking

Forgive me
but I needed something to wear
on my date

with your boyfriend.

And with that, enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Right now:
What I'm listening to: Beatropolis Radio on Pandora
What I want most: no more neck pain! no more neck pain!

Straight Out of a Book

2010-03-12T23:16:00.000-08:00

Conference, Part One:

It was a series of unfortunate events. Our heroine, sweet and lovely, went to bed unaware of her coming trials and tribulations. Little did she know the horrors waiting for her on the morn...

First, I already had a cold, so I slept later than I wanted to. Not overslept, mind (I did say wanted to, rather than intended to)... just later than I wanted to. Then, because of the cold and the fact that I couldn't breathe, I must have slept at some weird angle, because when I was blow-drying my hair, I flipped my head back and gave myself whiplash.

Crunch!

Me: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shit.

I wretched my neck and almost passed out from the pain. I thought I broke my neck, the crunching noise was so... crunchy. And the charley-horse agony sent my to my knees-- literally. I spent the next twenty minutes on the floor, trying not to vomit and trying to massage out my poor abused muscles without manipulating the fragments of my spine into my blood stream or anyplace else they should not be. I discovered that it was a BAD. IDEA to move my head to the left at all... and had to learn how to do a whole lot of things stiff as a board.

Then I picked up my business cards, a ray of light in what I already knew to to be a grey, drizzly, dismal, hair-frizzing day. I knew, because I looked out the window, and felt the drops of water on my face as I walked outside. And from my first glance in a reflective window. But not to my left, obviously.

Then, I got lost. Well, not lost, because I had a GPS system in my lovely Rosie car, but rather lost because I had the wrong address. Or rather, the conference website had the wrong address. So thanks to the Maternal Figure, who dealt with a rather panicked phone call and troubleshooted my way out of po-dunk and into the university (I was literally at a barn.)

Then I was at the university... but not at the conference. So I traipsed my way from one end of campus to the other, asking knowledgeable and not-so-knowledgeable students where the conference was? Alright then, what about and info desk? No? What about an administrator? ... Do you actually go to school here?!?... You know, that guy over there has a walkie-talkie. Let me go ask him. No, really, thanks for the help.

Finally, finally, I arrived at the building where I was supposed to be... but no conference.

Why, God, whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!?

Thankfully, it was only around a corner (oh dear lord thank you) and I got registered and ushered in only ten minutes late. Apparently, they were having some technical difficulties of their own, so I lucked out.

And the day went uphill from there... except for my neck, and the fact that I couldn't turn my head, and really should NOT have been driving. There may or not have been frustrated and self-pitying tears in the car on the way home out of sheer misery- I might have stayed too long in one position, even though I tried to get up and stretch (well, not stretch, since I couldn't move, but just... ease the tension a little). Eventually, I bailed out early...sadly, but not too sadly, because I was/am miserable. Hence, the 5th amendment tears.

The conference itself was okay/good. The speaker that I particularly went for didn't address the topics that I was hoping for, but rather glossed over them. Still, I got some of the answers I was looking for in a roundabout way, so I guess I break even.

And I got to hand out a business card! Used it on the first day-- how's that for a profit return!

So, we'll see how tomorrow goes. Hopefully the neck will be better. And I look forward to the workshops.

Right Now:
What I'm listening to: Nothing.
What I want most: no more neck pain! no more neck pain!

Default Postions

2010-03-11T23:02:00.000-08:00

My default conference position is black.

I did laundry in anticipation for tomorrow's conference, and found myself reaching for my "professional Young Author" outfit- black coat, black embellished tee, dark wash jeans, black pointy toed suede ankle boots. If I were sixty years older with a wart on my nose, I would resemble a witch. Maybe I still do, in the Sabrina the Teenage witch way, or the Sandra Bullock in Practical Magic way.

In any case, I wear black to be "professional chic." Always have, always do, always will. I may overshoot a little, but at least when I go, I can feel confident about my wardrobe.

Now, if I could just maybe to be confident about my writing...

Right now:
What I'm listening to: I might or might not be talking to myself. Maybe. Possibly. It might have to do with conference to-do lists. Or not.
What I want most: More black shoes. And black blouses. Preferably silk.

The Long Term View

2010-03-10T19:12:00.000-08:00

For fun, because I have masochistic tendencies, I use break to figure out my life... that is graduate schools, M.F.A. vesus M.A. programs, fellowships, grants, scholarships, summer activities, etc.

Etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.

It's really... stressful. Really, really, really stressful. I have so many possibilities, so many opportunities...

On the other hand, I have so many possibilities, so many opportunities. It's amazing what I can do. I'm excited and inspired to see the line of stretched-out and scheduled slots for this summer, next summer, the following summer, even the next next next summer...

Ahhhhhhhhh, amazing.

Currently there are very tenative plans for the Bread Loaf summer program next summer, if everything works out. (It never does, but whatever. I'm dreaming.)

And conferences. Oh, the conferences. Have I mentioned that I'm going to the CNU writing conference? I'm going to the CNU writing conference. In two days. On Friday. So excited! I have some really cool classes that I'm attending- Trauma in Memoir, Haiku Aesthetics, and Allusion in Poetry.

I'm also pretty much guaranteed to go to the Pennwriter's conference in May as well. They have a class on breaking into the graphic novel market-- I'm totally geeking out about this. I've secretly wanted to expand into graphic novels for about a year... we'll see how it works out. I'm thinking about taking a drawing class soon (pass/fail option of course; I don't have time to work for a grade on a drawing class. None of that.)

Anyways, exciting stuff. I should go back and work on it more. (*happy, happy, happy, happy*)

Right now:
What I'm listening to: Criminal Minds!!!!!
What I want most: conference funding, conference funding!

SheWrites!

2010-03-09T10:46:00.000-08:00

No, it's not a status update on my own writing... I am still sandpapering away at the mill stone. I think I might have gotten a good inch or two worn away... but then again, I'm attempting a mill stone, so I also have a solid 3 or 4 or 5 feet to go.

What I'm actually talking about is the online community SheWrites, a place for women writers of all sorts (from professional to casual, from academic to business to fiction to blogs). It's a combination resource and social networking site, based around the idea of a literary salon. And so I might have found it-- my salon for developing the cultural atmosphere of an author. Of course, this is not going to be the only source of literary culture. What I'm going to have to do is rely on friends like MlleDiabolique, with whom I got lost in a bookstore yesterday for over two hours. Collectively we might have bought something like 15 books. I'll also have to rely on friends like my roomie The Long Suffering One, with whom I can always count on for a quick jaunt to the local library... which turns into several-hours-worth-and-10-books-each excursions. So it these freindships more than an online forum that will be the real basis for a literary life, but I am hopeful that SheWrites will be able to provide the extra little spark to the other 10% of this hypothetical equation.

From what I've explored so far, it's set up on a similar interface to NaNoWriMo and NaNoBloPo, as well as other writing sites. However, the actual interaction between members is exponentially larger than either of the previous sites. Since joining just a bare week ago, I've had several people give me feedback on my posts. (I'm debating whether to transfer them to here, my main blog, and whether that's padding or a reasonable pooling of comments... teehee)

In any case, I am excited to see what possibilities come from this. As I am now on spring break, I'm hopeful that I can spend more time in research and development, but I have a competing (and compelling) offer from another company... my bed.

Off to wake up!

Right Now:
What I'm listening to: the radio. So I have no clue what song.
What I want most: world peace. teehee (also seriously)

Maxxed Out

2010-03-08T10:06:00.000-08:00

I have reached that enviable yet unwanted position of being maxxed out-- in more ways than one.

I have sent out ALL of my completed poetry. EVERYTHING is in submission. It's all gone, waiting, in the ethos for some editor to pronounce judgment on it's poor, terrified, paperless soul.

In addition, I only have one story left in reserve and one in the shop for repairs, so I have really have nothing else to send out in the meantime. Which means...

I HAVE TO CREATE.

Like I said, it's enviable but unwanted, because now if I want to advance my career, I have to beat the Muse into a docile manner, turn her into a factory worker, and just churn out the submissions.

We both know how the Muse likes that one. She's okay with dress-up, but long term gigs are not her thing. So she's in revolt, and I have to play unwilling taskmaster. So we're both knuckling down.

Anyways, I'm off to find writing prompts and specific contests. Even if I have no inspiration at the moment, doesn't mean I can't write.

Cheerio!

Right Now:
What I'm listening to: quiet. I like the quiet sometimes too.
What I want most: coffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Geeking Out (Professionally)

2010-03-05T18:27:00.000-08:00

It's a big step. It's not a necessary one, but it's a big, huge, thrilling step.

I bought business cards!

Business cards. For me. Saying "Shelly Holder: Author/Poet"

Once again, I have stepped over those invisible cobweb boundaries that mark the division between "student author" and "professional author." This makes, maybe, number 3452, and I believe the generally accepted final number to be 23948245834293714136457589964243452346 and 1, but hey who's countin'?

Ahem. Anyways.

This is what they look like.

Oh, pretty, pretty!

I've wanted b-cards for, oh, FOREVER. Shameful confession follows: I got some cards printed up when I entered high school, to have to hand out to all the new friends that I would make. Considering the fact that the majority of my graduating middle school class entered the same high school, I rarely needed the cards. I also had white cursive text on a pink and blue cloud background. With a unicorn.

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah. I burned all those. Except one that I hide in my wallet to remind myself that I am NOT, in fact, as badass as I would like to believe. To pull out and experience the humbling sense of "oh, right. Unicorns."

Also, I still have one because well... I still like unicorns and just want to have one in my wallet. Teehee.

Um, so where was I? Oh yeah, modern business cards.

So if you notice, I have reigned in the rampant design element... a little. Hopefully, I can get away with this creativity since I'm, oh, a creative writer. But then, hopefully, it also displays a sense of professionalism as well. In any case, the things are ordered and they are coming, hurray, hurray! As well as matching return address labels for all the SASEs that I'm gonna send out. And a pen, to give me luck and confidence when I use it at conferences and other Big. Writing. Events (whatever they are/ if they exist). I thought about matching stationary to print all the cover letters and resumes on, but then I realized that was going too far and restricted my love for all things school supplies to a reasonable amount.

Besides, it's saved on my account and I can go back and order it anytime. (They also have a matching mousepad-- not that I have a mouse, but if I got the iMac anytime soon then I would and in that case I would need a mousepad and maybe I should buy one for the future and and and and and and....)

Gah. Stop me. I am like a cat high on catnip. Or Meg Ryan exalting over the smell of sharpened pencils. I go a little bit crazy with stationary.... and pens... and journals.... and envelopes... and highlighters.... and...

Right Now:

What I'm listening to: CSI on the telly

What I want most: matching mousepad. Matchign stationary. Matching sticky notes.... *beams*

She's Gone Crazy

2010-03-04T15:50:00.001-08:00

"DIE, MIDTERMS, DIE!"

*chops off head of Middle East Cultures*

*immediately spins, backhands East Asia*

*swings at American Lit, follows through with blow from the hilt, and reverse lunging stab through the stomach*

*pants uncontrollably, wipes at sweat*

...

*spots stray East Asia paper* *eyes widen*

"ARGH! DIE, MIDTERMS, DIE!!!"

Courage Part Two

2010-03-03T16:07:00.000-08:00

She wrote back!

And I'm crying again, oh gag me. But she wrote back, and I'm a bundle of awe, gratitude, humilty, pride, happiness, and other live emotional wires. I don't dare examine any closer, because the touch can shock.

But she wrote back.

"Keep swinging, kid. I'm right there with you."

Right Now:
What I'm listening to: "Apologize" by OneRepublic
What I want most: to be done with midterms

Death, Destruction, Doom

2010-03-02T08:47:00.000-08:00

muhblugaglaubauelgh midterms muhblugaglaubauelgh

Courage

2010-03-01T15:58:00.000-08:00

Last night, I wrote the letter that I want to receive as an author.

I finally took the time to express my very great thanks to an author that has profoundly influenced me. It was hard. Emotional. I had written the actual letter long ago but stuck in a drawer so I didn't have to deal with it. I didn't want to deal with it ever, really, but last night I was compelled. Or, rather, this morning at 2:00 am, because that's when all boogies and other impish promptings come out.

So I sent it. And I cried. I cried and I cried and I cried. I'm crying now. But... I sent it. And I'm proud that this is another little step to becoming stronger. Better. Healed, healthy, and whole.

I am. Because I sent it.

Right now:
What I'm listening to: "Damaged" by Danity Kane (oh, Freud, what you would say about me now...)
What I want most: to finish midterms

Exponential Numbers

2010-02-26T18:38:00.000-08:00

Exponential submissions means exponential rejections. Heard back from a couple, including my magazine internship. In response, I'm diving my head into more creation and submissions. If I don't resurface on Monday, it's because my Outbox tumbled over and crushed me with its weight...

Until then!

Right now:
What I'm listening to: "Crawl" by Chris Brown
What I want most: acceptance (v~_~)

Please Don't Arrest Me Officer

2010-02-25T18:27:00.000-08:00

I think I accidentally stole a poetry journal.

Actually, scratch that-- I am 90% sure I did.

See, most campus publications are free. Student run, student published, student authors; ergo, quality is mid-range and overhead covered by student activities grants. There are several different publications on campus, so seeing one in the coffeeshop that I was in particular unfamiliar with(but submitted several poems to regardless), I go grab a copy. And leave, happy.

Until I read the journal later that night, and realize that there is a 5.95 price sticker on the back cover! Oh no!

Whoops.

I've come to realize that this journal is not at the same level as the others I usually read-- probably because of the 5.95 price sticker on the back cover. The table of contents doesn't list any students, but is rather full of already established poets, usually post-grad professionals that are both married and living somewhere that is NOT Virginia. Places NOT on this campus.

I never realized how little I knew about this journal, and how I blindly submitted without knowing the content quality expected. I thought it was the same sort as other publications. I've read the others-- the artsy one, the humorous one, the satirical one, the angsty one-- but I never was exposed to this one other than general rumors of it being the "serious" one. I thought serious translated into "avant-garde" and sent in my best concrete (shaped) poems. I'm not unhappy with my submission, but I really wished that I had listened to all the writing articles that warned writers to DO YOUR RESEARCH FIRST.

Whoops. Now let's hope that 1) the coffeeshop doesn't arrest me, and 2) the journal doesn't laugh me off for the misunderstanding. But I'm afraid that I might have butchered it this year's go-around.

Whoops.

Right Now:
What I'm listening to: "Morningwood" by Morningwood
What I want most: to hear back from this journal. It's been several months....

A New Love Affair

2010-02-24T04:42:00.000-08:00

I am falling in love with the yellow legal pad.

I've never really explored the possibilities of the legal pad. I'm much more of a journal kind of girl, and have gotten into the small pocket sized ones that you can stick anywhere and take everywhere. I have many many mini journals- in every purse, in every backpack, extras in a drawer, a few by the bed, a few by the desk... I really like journals.

I also really like the Moleskine cardboard 5X7 journals-- the ones that come in a three pack? I find them handy to use thematically. One for last semester, one for this semester, one for scribbling, one for journaling in Romania- essentially the perfect size to hold my inspirations before I run out of ideas. Not long, but enough. (haha)

Unfortunately, I have run out of blank cardboard Moleskine three packs, and must resort to other means. The notebook is too ubiquitous, and loose paper too easy to loose. I happened to have several pads hanging around, and voila! The new partnership was born.

I am now in danger of running out of yellow legal pads.

Sigh. I suppose that it's now time for a school supply shopping adventure? I seem to recall that I have run out of white-out, and my highlighters are running low again. At least I had the forethought to bring highlighters from home this semester.

Really, what IS it with school supplies this year? So unaccommodating in my needs...

Right now:
What I'm listening to: "Gimme Sympathy" by Metric
What I want most: Moleskine journals!!

Agonies of a Young Author

A Natural Order of Things

Curious Phenomenon

Ghengis Khan, Editor in Chief

Update!

A Brief Letter

What I Do With Time

Whee!

Story!

Query Letter

I Can't Think, I'm Travelling!

Fabulous Five Meme

It's Mah Birfday!

The Latest is Out!

Happy New Year's!

More Micro-fiction!!

Jedi Mind Tricks

Short (Short) Story Out!

Top 10 Habits of "Proper" Writers

Oh, I love this trend

Thoughts on My Obsession

Interview With ... Myself!

Oh Plz, Professional

All Sorts of Random

One Trick Pony

Freelance= Non-Fiction?

Mind Break

Bittersweet

This is Not Medea

Subconscious Tests

The Chance Compliment

Notification

The Pro/Con List Pt. 2

The Pro/Con List

Secret Mistress

Life Outside the Ivory Tower

Is It Over Yet?

See? It Really IS for the Articles

Adult Females Restrain From Emotion

Tasty Little Bites

Ba-Ba-Ba-Blase

Retribution

The Motivation Factor: Accomplishment

Southern Vortex

Author Relations

Synonyms Can Suck My Saki Pot

Pouty Productivity

Hotel Writer

She's a Working Writer!!

Filler Tidbits

The Bane of My Travel

It's the Benefit I Wasn't Expecting

Conference Weekend Special!: The End is Nigh

Conference Weekend Special!: Am I Elitist, Or Am I Elitist?

Pennwriter's Day One

Have Roadster, Will Travel

The Entire World says: *headdesk*

My Torrid Love Affair

This is What I/We Do

I. Have. Conquered!

"I" in Individualist Poetry

It's That Time of Year

Restored to Life (Sorta)

Hibernation: Me, the Muse, and My Memory

Chinese Takeout

Zee. Oh. Mm. Gee!!!

Avarious Gleam

Openings and Voice

It's Out!!!!

Aliens and Other Things

Tricking the Muse

DWT Poetry Competition

Random Whimsy

Fascination

Feel Good Friday

Hilarious, To-Die-For April Fool's Joke!!!

Cry.Weep.Wail.

Ironic: My Blog and Magazines

My Dilemma

Incurable

The Entire World says: headdesk